Good evening! Hi, hello! It’s been some time since I last wrote a blog post, so here I am ~ 1 month later – back to it! Doing the thing! Reference to Chris Williamson there – the Modern Wisdom guy! *Currently screening my dad’s call on whatsapp to focus on what I came here to do. Sorry dad! I will call you back! I want to write this post today – post # 28 – to all of my family and friends who I feel like I’ve lost touch with over the weeks, months, and years…
I believe I have to tune out the world for a moment to get all of this down. It’s February! It’s 2026! Carson is 9 months old and crawling. Bryson is 2 and some months and talking. I am 2 months shy of turning 34. I’m not really sure disclosing my age is really needed for this purpose of this post, but now that I have written that – does 34 technically count as mid 30’s?! 33 is still early 30’s, right? Who knows, who cares. Age is truly just a number.
After all, I have my first batch of wrinkles apparently. The esthetician just confirmed it. Not fine lines after all – most definitely wrinkles. WOOHOO!
As Rupi Kaur so eloquently put it… something like… give me laugh lines and sun spots to show that I lived.
I lived!
I AM LIVING!
I am living a beautiful, rich, abundant, joyful, loving life!
I spent today alone with baby Carson while Bryson spent the day with grandma Angela, Adrian’s mom. A day alone with Carson did allow me some extra down time, some extra thinking time, some extra time to reset, recharge, and reflect on where I am at at this current point in my life.
What an extraordinary day it was!
Lots to share! Always!
As this post is intended to share some pressing thoughts and feelings with my family and friends, let me start there and not sidetrack too much…
I truly wish I could do better at staying in touch…
One of the greatest gifts of moving and traveling so much in my 20’s was that I got to meet so many incredible people all over the world who have added so much greatness to my life in countless ways. It all started by choosing to study at Queen’s University in Kingston, Ontario – where I met some of my closest college friends… one year in Seoul…nearly 6 years in Los Angeles…a couple short months back in NY before, as you all know, I got cold and decided to move south for a month… and here we are… 2026! Living in Port St Lucie, Florida. In a house. In our home. With my husband, Adrian. With our two children, Bryson & Carson. With our puppy, Tank. As if you all don’t know their names by now, haha! I drove down to Florida with my sister in January of 2021. Planning to stay for one month to check it out. I never left. I still have a student’s mom from LA repeatedly remind me that I said I would be right back. 5 years later and it seems like she might not have properly grasped that I am not coming back… 5 years ago this past January, I landed myself in Hollywood, Florida. One month in an Air BnB followed by signing a 1-year lease in an apartment nearby. FUN FACT – That apartment that I stayed in for just under 1 year – guess who lived within walking distance and I never even knew?!?! YUP! My husband!!! Adrian and I didn’t truly connect until I had moved to that Fort Lauderdale apartment with my sister. We did meet at the Crossfit gym in Hollywood.
I can already tell that I have sidetracked…
I know I am the person I am today as a result of several factors. My parents, my family, my friends, my travels, my work, my successes, my failures, just to name a few…
This whole notion of losing our identity as we become parents…
I get it now! But not in the way I initially had imagined!
I can wholeheartedly ‘say’ that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I am home. I have never felt happier. More fulfilled. More at peace with myself. I love myself. I don’t seek nearly the same validation from external things as I used to. I am proud of myself. I enjoy my own company!!!!! Whoever knows Izzy – knows Izzy NEVER liked spending time alone!!!! I have written this before, but I wish I could bottle up this feeling and express ship a bottle to every single one of my family and friends and the rest of the world. I FEEL GOOD! I finally feel good!!! Like really good! I am not searching for more. I am not missing out. I am not drinking excessively to numb myself. I am not filling my time to avoid being alone with myself and my thoughts. Annemarie once posed this simple, gentle question of “where do you want to ground yourself?” and it hadn’t dawned on me that I had never paused long enough to even contemplate the idea of eventually, one day, settling down with a family. MY FAMILY! I worked with kids my whole career and I don’t think I ever truly gave the idea of me eventually having my own kids much thought. I knew it was going to happen, but I never put much thought into it. Not necessarily because I was just listening to my mom and “trusting life”! I was just moving too quick. I was rushing. I was racing through my life so quickly that I was missing what was right in front of me a lot of the times.
Back to identity…
I have always identified myself as an extrovert who is energized by being around a lot of people. I have always been fortunate to have wonderful friendships with several wonderful people over the years. Ever since I was young really. I like people. For the most part, I do consider myself to be a very curious person. So curious that just the other day I found myself parked outside of my own house in a Kia courtesy shuttle vehicle – listening to the driver talk and talk and talk for … wait for it … OVER ONE HOUR! I asked one simple question as we left the Kia dealership after dropping off my car for an oil change and then I found myself learning this man’s whole life story. It was actually pretty cool to listen to everything he had to share, but in hindsight, I probably could have capped our conversation at 15 minutes! Ah well!
Identity…
Within a year of formally dating, Adrian told me he wanted to buy us a house – no need to rent in the Fort Lauderdale area when he had saved to buy a home and we knew we wanted to live together. We knew we wanted to build a life together. Forever. We found out I was pregnant. No, it was not an accident. Yes, we know how babies are made and it was a conscious decision to try for a baby together, but no, we didn’t expect to get pregnant the first try. Learning about Bryson in the making only expedited all of the next steps that were inevitable for the two of us – move into our home together, get married, have our first baby, and then within 8 months, baby Carson is in the works! All things considering, I couldn’t be more confident in knowing Adrian is THE ONE – he has always been THE ONE, MY one – despite how much I may have doubted/fought this in my mind very initially. I only knew to keep moving, to keep searching… What was I searching for? THIS VERY LIFE! This is it! This feeling I have right now – every day – all day. This is it!!! This is love. This is home. This is joy. This is fun. This is adventure. This is hard work. This is exotic. This is pleasure. This is everything and more. I am here! This is it!
OH MY GOSH. I am losing sight of my point yet again as I type away…
I have always identified myself as someone who stayed very well connected with family and friends. Amongst other things, this has always been a big part of my identity. Surrounding myself with people all the time. Keeping busy with plans with friends. Making plans.
I genuinely wanted to check in and catch up frequently with everyone I love and care for. I still want to.
No one has put pressure on me to keep up the same way except myself. I still put a lot of pressure on myself to keep up as I used to even though it’s an impossible feat. Not necessary either.
I genuinely wish I could keep up better, but not at the cost of what I have right in front of me right now.
As I shared just now and I share often in my blog posts, all 28 of them (WOOHOO!!!), I am often in awe of my life. Is this real life?!
I have it all and then some. I never even knew I could dream of a life like the one I am living right now. I am madly in love with not only my husband, but our two kids. We fill our days doing very little it seems but the days seem so full and of course oh so exhausting at times! I might respond and say “it’s been busy” but I am not even sure if that’s the correct wording. It’s FULL! An abundant, rich life! We’re not really all that busy like the busy I knew so well for so long. Our days are not packed. I am not teaching a ton anymore. I work around Adrian’s schedule, and we just make it work. We don’t fill the days. We don’t move quick from one thing to the next. We take every hour as it comes. We tune out the noise of the world and just enjoy each other’s company and enjoy the simple pleasures of life. We take it slow.
Bryson is the beach bum I dreamed he would be ever since our very early days of catching the sunrise at Jensen beach together. I can vividly recall that photograph I took of Bryson in none other than happy baby pose on a blanket in front of this gorgeous backdrop – ocean waves crashing + striking sunrise in the far distance.
Perfection.
THIS IS IT!
This is my beautiful life!
Picking seashells at low tide during golden hour as the boys play side by side in the sand in front of me. No words needed. All 3 of us doing our own thing. Doing what brings us JOY and calm and peace in that very moment. Carson naturally munching away on any beach tool he can get his hands on. Bryson flopping around in every direction he can – building sand angels every few minutes. Myself – scooping up shells as the waves crash against my ankles. What a life!
I am who I am today because of my family and friends who have helped me grow over the years. Who have supported me. Loved me. Cheered for me. Challenged me. Celebrated me.
I don’t lose sight of where I came from and how I got to be where I am today.
I often flash back to all of my amazing adventures traveling and moving around – meeting such fascinating people in different stages of their lives. And now here I am in a very unique stage of my life…
My life has never been so slow, yet I have never been more fulfilled. Living a rich, adventurous, exotic, fun, simple life!
I am beyond fortunate to have crossed paths with some incredible people over the years!
I know that this moment in my life is temporary – two very young boys who not only deserve but require my complete attention. The down time is minimal as we all know. And I am finally learning that the down time doesn’t need to always be filled. There is only so much time in one day. At times, I feel like I wish I could do it all. But what I have realized is I don’t need to. I no longer choose to put this immense pressure on myself to do it all. To be everything for everyone. I am writing this to remind myself. To validate myself here. To relieve myself of my expectation to respond to every text, call, etc. I want to! I do! I want to be present with my family more right now. Fully attentive and engaged.
It was just yesterday that Bryson was uttering his first true word – KEY!!! Now he doesn’t even pause for air he’s talking so much! It’s INCREDIBLE!!!
This is the first time in my life I can finally slow down. I have to. I want to. I deserve to. I am no longer rushing to what’s next. There is no ‘what’s next’. This is it!!!
I am here!
I am home!
I am loved!
I love myself enough to finally slow down and appreciate what is right in front of me.
Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of Now – I get it!!!
NOW!
Today!
These small, simple, gentle, carefree, easy, blissful, fun moments.
I have never been more in tune with myself before.
Everything was for this – this very moment.
The high’s, the low’s – lessons.
To get me here.
To be so at peace with the present moment.
However mundane the moments may be…
To go for a walk just to go for a walk…
Not for exercise. Not to make a phone call…
To just go for a walk…
To let go of all of my many expectations to be more and do more.
No more of that, Izzy!
This is it!
I am exactly where I am supposed to be.
I have grounded myself with my husband, two sons, and dog.
In Port St Lucie, Florida of all places!
I used to not be able to bear the thought of not leaving my home at least once in a day and guess what?!
Carson, Tank, and I never left the house except for our two walks.
& it was awesome!!!
I didn’t bring my phone on either walk.
I used to plug myself in – music, podcast, phone call, etc…
At that rate I would never get a moment of calm. A moment to let my mind wander. To think back and reflect. To think forward and dream a little bit. To just be.
Not always filling my time.
Being PRODUCTIVE!
Just being!
We are human beings after all, eh?! Thank you, Eckhart!
I used to pick on Adrian for how slowly he moved. I’m not proud of that, but I did, and every so often I still do.
I move quick.
I’ve got these long legs – I have to use them, right?
Adrian slowed me down.
I used to pick on Adrian for being so quiet so often. Not proud of that either, and I still do sometimes.
I talk a lot. I like to fill silence with noise.
Two ears, one mouth though, right?
I don’t need to speak as much anymore.
In fact, Bryson is doing enough talking for the whole family! =)
I don’t need more. I don’t want more.
I want to continue to do more with less.
I don’t need to always fill my down time with something. Calling a friend back. Reading a book. Organizing the linen closest for the 10th time this month.
I can just be.
I met with Lee last month for the first time in almost 3 years. Wow! That’s all I can say after one session with Lee. Wow!!!!!
He shared something like this…
“Isn’t it interesting how as your mom is losing her language – your children are developing theirs”…
Hmm…
Cue tears!!!
Wow!
My mom isn’t able to express herself as she used to. She has to do more with less. Funny enough – just earlier today – the one call I made outside of speaking with Adrian – was to my mom. Carson and I did a Facetime while he ate and my mom entertained the two of us greatly with her many sound effects. It was hysterical! She couldn’t quite formulate a complete thought in the moment, yet Carson and I were thoroughly enjoying our ‘conversation’ with grand-maman. She doesn’t need her words to be with her grandchildren. To be a wonderful grandmother. To be a wonderful mother.
It’s pretty remarkable.
Bryson only recently started talking – like really talking.
So to think I spent a good chunk of his life thus far spending time with him in ‘silence’.
He definitely didn’t say too much.
I definitely felt I needed to say a lot at times.
Now, I see things differently.
Bryson doesn’t need me narrating every moment of every day. Sure it’s probably helped boost his language skills, but he is perfectly fine just being with me. In silence. Being together. Doing whatever it is that we’re doing.
Adrian has told me the following on countless occasions – “I just want to sit in a room with you”. Okay…
Like sit and talk? Sit and watch TV? Sit and play a game?
What do you mean, Adrian???
Just sit with me?
I don’t get it!!!
Yes, Adrian would like to just sit in a room with me.
Wow!
My mom can’t talk as much as she was able to before.
My husband doesn’t like talking so much.
Lesson…
Just be.
I don’t need to always speak.
I don’t need to always fill the silence.
I don’t need to always surround myself with noise.
I don’t need to always keep busy.
I don’t need to always do something.
I don’t need to explain everything.
I don’t need to justify myself.
I am exactly where I need to be.
I am doing my best. Learning, growing, enjoying.
Being!!!
Well, if you’re still reading…
I applaud you!
I also thank you!
The fact that you took the time to read this post until the very end means a lot to me. Of course, I understand how busy we all are. I get it!
I understand how fast-paced life can feel despite every effort made to try and slow it down…
Hence, this blog post…
To all of my family and friends who I have lost touch with – even if this post wasn’t necessary – I wanted to acknowledge that it’s feeling harder and harder to stay in touch – check in and catch up. I just wanted to ‘briefly’ share that I am doing well – thriving in fact – and I hope you are too! I really hope you are, too.
I’ll keep writing here as I am able/want to.
Adrian and I still have a wedding vow renewal / belated wedding party in the works one of these years to come…
I believe I said at 5 years to some, but it’s looking more like 10 years at this rate …
We’re coming up on 3 years this May! Time flies!!!
We’ve got our January 2027 Thailand trip to save/plan for. Followed by kid # 3 at some point after…
In case I haven’t had the opportunity to share – Adrian is planning a one-month-long Thailand family trip next January. He’ll further explore his Muay Thai and we’ll explore Chiang Mai as a family… more to come…
We definitely want all three of our children dancing the night away with all of us as we celebrate OUR LOVE all together! Bringing all of my favorite people all together for a weekend sounds like perfection to me! Looking forward to it!
Keep in mind that I have not paused to go back and check my post here…
I’m no longer worried about writing the perfect blog post. Being perfect. Perfection.
I am just writing because I enjoy it.
It helps me piece my thoughts together and gain some more perspective.
I am just trying to continue to understand myself better day by day…
Learn from those around me.
Neutralize judgement with curiosity.
We’re always teaching by how we’re living. – Thanks, Lee!
It’s all a test.
Empathy for all.
One percent better every day.
Challenge the narrative.
Slow down.
Take the breath.
Pause often.
Trust myself.
Trust life.
& with that, I’ll close…
With love,
Izzy
♥️
calculatedchaosofthemind 