Hi!
Happy January!
Happy New Year!
Today is Sunday, January 4, 2026!!! It’s not even 5am, but thanks to baby Carson (now 8 months old!!!) who decided to wake at 4am, the time I wanted/needed to carve out to write again has so clearly presented itself. This is it, Izzy! Take the opportunity!!! As soon as I heard him nearly an hour ago, one of my initial thoughts outside of oh man, I am SO tired – why are you awake!!! was – hmm maybe this is the moment I have been waiting for yet again… I’m definitely not getting back under my covers and sleeping until our 5am alarm … The ‘under my covers’ bit was an ode to Marcus Aurelius in case you didn’t catch that… Still a huge fan of stoicism and we are continuing to learn a lot from Ryan Holiday’s work. It actually is quite chilly in Florida if you can believe it! So the thought of ‘crawling back under the covers to keep warm’ did cross my mind. In fact, I AM under the covers as I am typing away. The light is on and I am sitting up – that’s the difference.
*Something about how we’re not designed to hide under the covers and keep warm but rather get up and do something with our life and get to work*
I have been asking for this time for well over a month now. I can either choose to keep putting blame on all of the many factors that have interfered with my ability to sit down and type OR I can choose to just ‘do the thing’ (thanks Chris Williamson) and sit down and write a blog post. Not talk about writing another blog post. Just write the blog post.
Alas, here I am…
Where to begin?
We always find our way back to each other.
The title I’ve chosen for today’s post.
Adrian and I always find our way back to each other.
I recall hearing from an Emily Oster audiobook that simply finishing a conversation with your spouse while having young kids can be a daunting task some days. I don’t quite remember how she phrased it, but the idea of it can be all-consuming, loud, busy, noisy, etc and SOME days – you will feel like you can’t even finish a single sentence or thought.
(5 am alarm going off… birds chirping… NOT snoozing today – woohoo!)
Emily Oster was spot on.
Adrian & I are witnessing that more and more in these past few days and weeks. With Bryson’s booming vocabulary, Carson’s grunts and babbles, and the inevitable fast-pace nature of life with two very young boys – some days, we can barely finish a single sentence or thought. The joke of “alright then, talk to you this evening”. Acknowledging that and owning that, not fighting it so much anymore. This is temporary. It’s loud, it’s busy, it’s nonstop in some moments, and then all of a sudden both of their naps sync up and it’s TOO calm and quiet in the house… Bryson naps a little longer than I would like and I am missing him and ready to keep playing and chatting away… In the moments it’s the quietest – in those ‘ideal’ moments to chat and such – it’s almost as if we don’t have anything to say anymore. None of our trains of thought were that important after all. What was most important was what was happening right in front of us in that very moment.
THIS IS IT!
A line I rewrite over and over again.
In my journals. In my blog posts.
A recurring theme of my writing one could say eh!
Perhaps the title of one of my books one day?
This is it!!!
We are in it! All consumed by life with our two young sons and we wouldn’t want it any other way.
It’s magical. It’s fun. It’s joyful. It’s TOUGH. It’s rewarding. It’s exhausting. It’s quite possibly the biggest mind f*** of our lives. It’s just the best.
We always find our way back to each other.
Even on those days when we can feel like passing ships in the night. We’re both grateful to be loving the ride and soaking up every possible moment that we can because everyone was right… IT DOES GO BY TOO FAST! It is going by too fast! Bryson is already two! Bryson is speaking with us! WHAT!!! I’ve witnessed the language development of several students over years and years and now I get to witness my own son learn to speak and communicate with the world around him. WHAT!!! Since when did he just start understanding EVERYTHING?!?
Of course we are going to free up as much time as humanly possible to BE with these two boys – with the family we built together. What can wait – can wait. What are our priorities that align with our clear focus – spending quality time together? What can we do to free up even more time? How can we be more ‘efficient’ in some areas of our life – cooking as a good example – so we can free up more time to simply just BE with our sons and be all together as a family? Tank included. He still deserves and requires a ton of attention and affection. It is a LOT some days and really MOST days now. But it’s the best!!!
Constantly re-shifting expectations.
This is it!
Using Jocko’s line of ‘good –> lesson’ every time an unexpected something pops up and we feel lost and confused and like we lost control. What can we learn?
Lose the control.
Be in the moment.
HAVE FUN!!!
Tune out the noise.
Tune into ourselves and these boys.
Our growth is exponential at this time as we are working against our past selves, growing as a couple, growing as parents, just a ton of growth!!!
What I find interesting is the hard part about parenting at this very moment is definitely not what I imagined…
The boys are not hard.
Everything else that comes with having two young boys is hard.
Not having a moment to complete a conversation with my husband.
Not having a moment to do just a few things that I feel I ‘should’ do every day – journaling, reading, listening to a podcast, working out, connecting with a family member or friend, etc…
Yes, I would LOVE to be able to do it all.
Let go of the ‘should’s’ – cognitive distortion.
I want it all but I also don’t want to give up these day to days with the boys.
My whole life has been so structured until now. I craved structure for so long and now I want nothing to do with it for the most part.
Our lives will continue to be quite structured in the future when they get older so we are trying to just lean into this unstructured time more and more.
Just BE a family!
Just BE with our boys!
No plan. No schedule. No agenda. No should’s.
Enjoy them!
Enjoy this beautiful life we’ve created…together!
We always find our way back to each other.
That Sunday morning in the cafe in Fort Lauderdale when I waited for Adrian to come and meet me… to tell him I’ve decided… I decided not to run away from Florida, not to move yet again, not to run away from him and what we have, not run away from the many scary unknowns of the future. I decided to trust life and trust us and trust him. BEST DECISION OF MY LIFE, eh!!!!!! That Sunday morning that I got all the clarity I ever needed. I wrote something to the extent of – I trust he will be a great partner and a great dad to our kids. Simple. Spot on. Oh yes!!! Raising kids with Adrian is a dream come true. Even if I didn’t formally have the dream written up or expressed to myself or anyone. Never posted this dream on my many vision boards back in my LA days. This is the dream! This is my dream! This is it!!!
This dream. This family. These kids. This home. This life.
All of this is built on the foundation of our love for each other.
No shocker there, but writing it down and finding the clarity through my writing as many do, helps.
Puts things into perspective.
A good reminder when days feel especially tough.
Good.
Who would have thought I would grow to love the word ‘good’ SO much!
Good!
A simple love that we share.
Simplicity being something that I feared for so long.
Yet here we are…
Building a family off of a simple love.
To this day, Adrian still comments on my smile. My smile that captured his attention from across the room at our Crossfit gym. The smile that got him to push himself out of his comfort zone and say hello. I recall resisting him and his love for so long initially because he was not a very smiley guy. Let’s be honest – a smile is not part of Adrian’s daily expression. Well now it is thanks to Bryson & Carson & Tank, but bear with me here…
I had never been in love before Adrian.
From the start, this love – this foundation of our family – has been simple, fun, and playful.
One of my favorite memories from when we were dating – ‘playing’ in my room at the apartment with my sister – he rolled me up in my comforter and we were just laughing so hard – not a drop of alcohol in our bodies – just playing, being together, having fun…
We didn’t need to talk.
We weren’t having some incredibly deep and complex conversation about the meaning of life and what our future held.
We were just together.
That was enough.
We were so comfortable with each other, at our most vulnerable, from the start.
Allowing ourselves to be kids again WITH OUR OWN KIDS is the coolest thing ever! “Cool cool” as Bryson always says!
Working against our past selves to create a beautiful life for our family – ignoring the should’s, the immense pressure, the unrealistic expectations, the unhealthy comparisons, the unkind judgement, the … pretty much ignore anything that is getting in our way of enjoying this wonderful life we’ve created together.
Because…
THIS IS IT!
We are in it!
We are busy. We are fulfilled. We are exhausted. We are excited.
We’re all consumed by our boys and that is okay. That is good. That is enough. That is more than enough.
We can dream together, as a couple, as a family.
We can plan for a family trip to Thailand so that Adrian can further explore his new interest in Muay Thai.
We can do whatever we’d like!
This is our one big beautiful life – how do we want to spend it? With who do we want to spend it? We can ask ourselves these questions!
We always find our way back to each other.
Even on the longest days.
The most tiring days.
The most chaotic days.
Izzy & Adrian.
I love you, babe!
I hope to do exactly as the stoics instruct – stop talking so much and start listening more (two ears, one mouth). I never gave Adrian enough credit when we initially met, and THANKFULLY we are still where we are today despite that, but Adrian is definitely that kind of person who chooses to keep a lot to himself because he doesn’t feel the need for everyone to know his every thought, feeling, and belief. So much respect for him there. So much to learn from him there.
He knows so much, yet at this rate, I’ll never get to fully learn from him if I continue to do all the talking all the time…
Perhaps the idea is not that we don’t need to be able to finish a conversation, let alone a thought or a sentence, but I, IZZY, I, ME – I don’t need to finish every single thought or sentence or conversation. Ohhhhh! Ah ha moment!!! Wow! I can find peace with the silence. Well, the silence from ME. My silence! Let the boys make ALL the noise they want! Keep quieting the mind and keep listening more and more and keep taking that pause before you feel utterly compelled to blabber away…
Listen more.
Pause more.
Observe more.
BE more.
This is it!
My great love story!
My great life!
I have found my clarity through my writing, yet again.
About one month of feeling absolutely wrecked inside my head.
Really unwell – overwhelmed, scattered, messy, chaotic, etc…
Never about the boys.
Never about what I thought it was about.
I needed to look in.
Get out of my head and into my body.
Move slow again.
Pause. Take the breath. Slow down!!!
Put pen to paper.
Find clarity through my writing.
Trust life.
Everything I want to do in this life, I can do. Not necessarily I will do, or definitely no longer I should do, but I can do. But, it doesn’t all need to happen RIGHT NOW!
One day at a time.
1 percent better every day, right Adrian?
One day at a time, and sometimes even just one hour at a time.
Our time is not even our own anymore, and life is so unpredictable regardless of having children, soooo….
Let’s just enjoy it!
This is it!
I got up. I did the thing. I wrote. I feel great. It’s 6:30 am and I am ready to have an incredible day ahead!
I don’t need to keep writing and keep expressing all of the other millions of thoughts I have been waiting to write about…
This is good enough.
This is good.
I am wishing all of my family and friends a beautiful day however they are choosing to spend it.
What a beautiful life!
ABUNDANT with joyful, simple, delightful, precious, awe-inspiring, fun, carefree, playful moments…
With love,
Izzy
♥️
calculatedchaosofthemind 