calculatedchaosofthemind

Hello!

I just put Carson down for his first nap of the day, and I texted Adrian “I’m feeling inspired! Time to write. I will text you after!”

It’s go time!

I have been waiting for this exact moment for SOOOOOO long!

Well, the last time I wrote a blog post was on September 15. I just checked because I couldn’t remember exactly, but I did feel like it had been quite some time.

I am BUZZING!

I have so much I want to get down on paper right now. So much I want to express. So much I want to sift through in my mind and make better sense of it all through my writing. So much to be excited about right now. So much to be grateful for. So much to look forward to, yet also so much to enjoy RIGHT NOW IN THIS VERY PRESENT MOMENT. So much!!!

Where to begin?

Intentionally pausing for a moment to think…

Or just let the fingers keep typing away at rapid speed?

Here I go…

I love how life works.

I love how much there is to learn every single day.

I love how I love making mistakes more than ever before.

I love LOVE.

I love to watch how I have evolved. How my husband has evolved. How WE have evolved. How are our relationship has evolved. How our children have evolved. I love the fact that I could just type “our children”. I love our family. I love our dog. Tank, also known as T. I love how Bryson nicknamed our single-syllabic dog’s name to a single letter. Genius!

I love the concept of ‘we are all human beings’ so why don’t we just BE a little more often. It’s called human BEing for a reason, right? It’s always go, go go, and WHY?! Why is that? How often do we pause to really truly think about why we must move so quick? Why we must put so much pressure on ourselves? What is the rush? What is the race? What is this game of life all about? Really all about…

I found my 5th grade yearbook when I went to visit my mom last month. My 5th grade teacher had signed my yearbook – I REMEMBER THE DAYS OF FEELING LIKE GETTING MY YEARBOOK SIGNED WAS SO COOL!!! Or as Bryson would now say “cool cool”! Love that kid!

Guess what my teacher wrote?

HAVE FUN!

I’m not getting off the couch right now to go and check my yearbook for her exact words but it went something like this…

“I hope you don’t put too much pressure on yourself in middle school and go have fun”… wait no it wasn’t “go have fun”… it was “please have fun”! This woman knew me oh so well. She insisted! I remember her writing that I was a caring person, and that felt nice to read. But OH MY how am I 33 years old and still not listening to advice that’s been given to me for all of these years?!?

Enough with the pressure, Izzy!

Enough!

I heard myself using that phrase on Bryson the other day.

“Enough!”

I didn’t love it coming out of my mouth the way it did, and I definitely was feeling tested and impatient, and I could easily blame the incredible back pain I was in that was causing myself to snap more easily than I typically do. But, regardless, no excuses. I am a human being. I am flawed. I have impatient moments. I am trying my best. I react sometimes even when in an ideal world I would always be able to keep my cool around young, innocent, fragile children.

Anyway, that is really not the point…

Enough, Izzy! I feel okay saying that to myself a few times.

This is your one great life!

Enjoy it!

Please have fun!

We’ve joked about how seriously I take my flossing. Not that I do a perfect job by any means. We’ve just joked that to me, flossing is one example of me trying to be a good citizen of the world. It’s quite simply, in my opinion, the right thing to do. I know I am supposed to do it. My dentist told me to. It’s not one of those ‘just because someone told you to do something, doesn’t mean you need to do it’. No. Flossing is the right thing to do to maintain good dental hygiene. I do not like flossing. I really do not like it. I should definitely put pressure on myself to floss every night or at least most nights. It’s important. At the end of the day though… No one, except me, and I suppose my dentist, will truly ever know how well or how often I floss. I know though. That is the point. I know. I go to sleep at night knowing if I flossed or not. This all may sound WEIRD, but I am getting somewhere…

I love Ryan Holiday’s book Right Thing, Right Now. In fact, while we’re on the topic of Ryan Holiday – I love ALL OF HIS WORK. I am forever grateful to Lee, even more so than I was before, for introducing me to him.

Right Thing, Right Now is all about one of the four virtues, justice.

When I read this book, along with a lot of Ryan Holiday’s work, I feel at home. I feel he gets me. I feel I am seen, heard, and validated. I feel whole. I feel empowered. I feel strong and confident. I am typically also always buzzing after I read or listen to his work. Inspired and excited to live a fulfilling and meaningful and GOOD life! Inspired and excited to do the right thing! To floss! To be a good person! To be true to me. Isabelle Duhaime Harris. To be a good friend. To be a good daughter. To be a good mother, wife, sister, etc. All of the things.

I can not recall much from my childhood without looking at photos or videos or hearing stories from my parents and siblings, but I can recall this ~ I always felt so different and unsure of myself and weird and alone because of probably many factors but especially this – I felt compelled to the do right thing (not ALL the time) and be a good person as best as I knew how in that very moment. I felt like I didn’t ever quite fit in. I am sure we have ALL felt that way several times throughout our life, but the point is – I wanted to do the right thing, and I remember feeling like ‘doing the right thing’ was somehow ‘frowned upon’ by some and so very not cool and so very not encouraged or accepted.

Life is messy.

Life is hard.

Life is unpredictable, beautiful, joyful, challenging, scary, exciting, thrilling, sad, chaotic, and so much more.

At the end of the day, I believe that we can simplify this game of life a little bit…

I remember in my early days of taking notes for the book(s) I will write one day, that I wrote this –

Bring it back to the basics.

Years ago, I wrote that.

We overcomplicate everything.

I overcomplicate everything.

That’s okay.

That is part of life.

My intentions are good.

I want to be a good person.

I want to keep it super simple.

I want less, not more.

I want to love hard.

I want to make this world a better place.

I want to be a better person every single day.

I want to be a better daughter, sister, friend, wife, and mother.

I want to do good.

I want to change the world.

I want to help those in need.

I want to help children in need, as my 5th grade yearbook also reminded me.

I want to live a good life.

I want to commit to flossing every night.

I want to stick to my commitments.

For myself. And because it is the right thing to do.

I want to do the right thing.

I want to be kind.

I want to be generous with my time, energy, and financial resources.

I want to have fun!!!

I could go on and on…

Thankfully, I have to pause. Carson is already awake after a pretty short nap, and that is perfectly okay. I am just so glad I got to finally put pen to paper for a little bit. I froze time so I could capture some of my chaotic, but calculated thoughts.

Thank you for reading! =)

With love,

Izzy

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