Good morning, and happy Monday!
As there are 30 days in the month of September, we are officially at the 1/2 way mark! In just a few weeks time, Bryson, Carson, and I will be heading up north to visit my mom, and even see some very close friends. Very excited for that! Carson’s passport has arrived, and he’s ready for take off! Bryson will have his own seat on the plane for the very first time! I do believe this might be the longest stretch I have gone without flying since I started traveling around in my early 20’s. SO COOL! I am already mentally planning out the snacks that will be needed for the flight. Not only because I love snacks, but I believe something like dried mango will keep Bryson entertained for longer, and I am so curious to see how it’ll go alone with the two of them on the plane.
So, I’ve got my mornings back!
I have been reading and journaling on and off for almost an hour now, and I feel I have officially broken through the initial morning fog where my eyes still burn a bit. I debated on going back to bed after Carson, my little alarm clock, woke up just before 5am to nurse. First time waking since 7pm! WOOT WOOT! After a few days, which felt like a few weeks, of a sleep regression (several nighttime wakes and feeds and lots of disgruntled fussiness regarding naps and sleeping in general), to have Carson sleep through the night again as such is something to truly appreciate. What a difference to have a full night of sleep without so many interruptions! I am glad he’s feeling better! Little rolling machine!!! Working EXTRA hard to roll around with all those rolls he’s got himself. Ha! Strong boy!
This is quite literally the 2nd morning that I have woken up early again, and I am already excited about the prospect of how I can use this time. The ‘calm before the storm’. I don’t love phrasing it like that of course, but I genuinely thrive off of this quiet time before Carson then Bryson start to wake up. Once they’re awake, I want to be focused on them and enjoying them. Not just caring for them, not just fulfilling my responsibilities as a parent. Feeding, diaper changes, etc.
I lose sight of that often. It’s a constant loop of wanting to just soak up quality time and play and enjoy while also knowing that we have to take care of their needs and we have a home and we have responsibilities as parents and homeowners.
These mornings allow myself a moment for me to ‘work on’ me. To just be me. Just Izzy. I believe in the power of language – linguistics major after all – and I am not loving the phrase ‘work on me’. So, let me try to rephrase that…
Hmm… I do believe in self-development as a lifelong journey. I do want to continue to challenge myself to the best version of me in all of the titles I carry. I do believe that is my job. That is the right thing. That is necessary. etc. I do believe relationships take work – prime example – marriage takes work. I love how much Adrian and I have been owning that these days. Well, now that I have written that, I am even questioning the language there. Do we have to say ‘work’? Funny because I don’t necessarily feel that ‘work’ provides a negative connotation. Heck, I LOVE my work. My ‘work’ doesn’t feel like work. I love teaching. I recognize that’s not the case for everyone though, but where am I really going with this thought?…
Let’s just go with… These mornings allow myself a moment for me to just be with me. YES! There it is! Think of how Eckhart Tolle describes it ~ we are human beings after all. Allow myself time to just BE. This is not a novel concept, but the idea here is that I would rather eliminate the phrase of WORKING on myself as just BEING with myself. I’ll understand myself better with this time, and as a result I will be able to be better for myself and others around me, and I will be calmer, clearer, kinder. Ta da!!!
As time permits, I am trying to intentionally pause more to question a lot of what I say and do and believe and how much of it is simply a result of I have ALWAYS been saying, doing, and believing that way, and what needs a little updating? There was a long stretch of time in which I didn’t even know I COULD do this. I could question, challenge, change my mind, have a difference of opinion, etc. I have gone through SO much change and growth in just these past 2-3 years, so naturally, I would want to check in with myself and see what parts of me and my identity still fit or don’t…
It’s funny how I could simply just delete that whole section of what I just typed up because it really was just one long ramble to clear up some wording. BUT! I am reminding myself as I type this out that this is part of the point of my writing. My blog posts. My time. I am figuring myself out. I am sifting through the calculated chaos of my mind. I am not writing this for anyone in particular even if I share the link with several family and friends. This is all for me. This writing. This life of mine. I am constantly reminding myself of the latter – this life of mine is for ME. This is not selfish. I don’t identify as a selfish person even if I have selfish tendencies or moments. I just know myself well enough to know that I have done a lot of things for other people before myself. Now that I am a wife and a mother, I am growing to fully respect the notion that this is my one great life and I choose to live it how I want to live it, regardless of what anyone around me has to say or feel about it. No justification needed. This is it! A line I have written a ton in prior blog posts. I don’t want to miss this! I don’t want to continue moving so fast through the hours, days, weeks, and months, that I miss what is literally right in front of me. I did that for a lot of my 20’s. I moved at warped speed to accomplish what? I struggle so much with remembering so much. It all feels like one big blur. I can look back at a photo or talk with some family or friends to recall something, but for the most part – that time is a blur.
I am exactly where I need to be right now. That I know for sure.
Everything I did up until this point helped me get to where I am today.
It was all part of my path as my mom and grandmother always said…
Even if I couldn’t realize that in the moment. Couldn’t accept that. Couldn’t process that.
For me and my family.
I stretched myself too thin for years and years and years.
I still have a strong tendency to stretch myself too thin.
Maybe we all do at times.
It’s part of my nature almost. I am so easily excitable and I want to do it all. I am so curious and eager to learn, yes, but I have also been so eager to please. Eager to keep busy. Eager to stay productive. Or dare I say ~ eager to appear productive. To appear busy. To appear all put together. Eager to keep up this image that I can do it all.
Not to bash anyone who has referred to me as ‘supermom’ recently, as I can’t deny that the phrase has a nice ring to it, and I do realize that it’s intended to be a compliment, but how about this… It’s not! For me at least, it’s not. I don’t want to be able to do it all because that definitely implies that I am not doing some parts of my life, some of the most important parts, with the fullest presence. For me, it goes against everything I have been ‘working on’.
I don’t want to be supermom. I just want to be a good mom.
I just want to be their mom.
Just carrying that title is everything and more to me.
The best mom I can be.
I always want to be the best I can be.
I want to be a good mom nonetheless.
A mom that chooses to slow down.
A mom that chooses to not miss the moments right in front of her so that she can stay connected to everyone and everything around her.
A kind mom.
Do you know what dawned on me earlier this morning?
Well you know I am about to tell you.
I have been hugging and kissing and squeezing up on Carson so much, and I wonder why or how I stopped doing the same for Bryson. Yes, he is one independent little dude now. Yes, he doesn’t stay in my arms as long out of sheer will to run loose and free around the home and backyard as often as possible. He probably lets me hold him the longest while we have our dance parties. So maybe that’s what I’ll do – I’ll squeeze him extra tight pre, mid, and post dance parties. I never want to stop hugging and squeezing him so tight. I could say it’s ‘easier’ with a 4 month old baby to be extra snuggly and such, but I want to be more intentional about hugging and kissing and squeezing up on Bryson, our soon to be 2 year old, even if he’ll push me away after a few seconds. I’ll soak up those few seconds. Carson luckily can’t get too far despite all his rolling, ha!
Bringing it back to the title I chose for today’s post ~ stretched too thin. I do often feel stretched too thin, and I continue to tell Adrian that I want to keep finding ways to eliminate what’s not necessary for us right now so we can free up as much time as possible to enjoy this beautiful life we’ve created and we’re creating together as a family. We will always have things to do, and a lot of those things can wait. There is no rush. This is not a race. We prioritize what we can when we can.
This is it after all!
I will have to close on a more abrupt note here, as both boys seem to be waking…
This was fun!
A beautiful day awaits me!
A reminder to myself to slow down and enjoy all of the opportunities ahead to just BE with myself and my family today regardless of all our necessary ‘to-do’s…
With love,
Izzy
♥️
calculatedchaosofthemind 