I can’t quite pinpoint where I heard or read this phrase…
In order to understand others around me and the world around me, I need to continue to understand myself better.
Perhaps therapy.
I do recall that my therapist referred to our work as the ‘undoing’ ~ going through my past in a purposeful in meaningful way to well, understand myself better, the person I am today. So I am going to assume it was therapy after all. What makes me tick and why? Why am I so sensitive to X? Why does X always bother me? Why do I feel anxious about X? Why do I have such trouble calming my mind? Letting go control? I could go on and on…
As I am in the process of understanding Izzy better, I am also working to understand Adrian, Bryson, and Carson. Needless to say, I have my hands quite full with trying to just understand. I feel like this is the source of a lot of my internal tension lately. Time is precious. Time is limited. Quality time is all I have always been yearning for since I was a little girl. Yet, now I am at a point where my quality time with myself is so limited that I am not getting the ‘understand Izzy time’ as much. NOT a complaint. Truly not a complaint. I can confidently say that I am the happiest and most fulfilled I have ever been in my life so far. Well isn’t that the point of life as well? Was I expected to be super happy and super fulfilled in my early 20’s when I was just trying to figure out where to live and what job to have? I was a mess. But that was to be expected! As we grow older, I believe we just naturally grow happier and more fulfilled.
I need the ‘understand Izzy time’ so that I can address some of my personal crap that is piling up.
For example, the other day I put on a beautiful yet simple white dress. (Bold move with two boys, I know.) I put on mascara. I washed and brushed my hair and dare I say I even tried to style it a bit. I flashed to the movie Anger Management when they’re singing the song “I feel pretty”. I felt pretty. Very pretty. I care less about looking and feeling pretty these days than I did in my 20’s, but it still felt very nice to look in the mirror and think “damn, Izzy, you still got it!” It’s been a little while…
Fast forward to my request to take a few quick photos before we set off to Vero Beach for the afternoon to meet some friends.
I lost it! I literally lost control over myself over some silly pictures!
Bryson has been in this adorable, snuggly phase of giving me endless nose kisses, and I had this vision of our faces smushed together kissing away and I wanted to capture that with some quick photos in the backyard. Asking Adrian to use the camera he gifted me, but I realize now is not as straightforward to everyone if you’re not used to using this camera often.
I felt like a child throwing a tantrum that couldn’t get a grip of themselves fast enough. I did eventually, but what in the world is happening to me?! I spazzed over the fact that the photos came out poorly. I felt like my skin was crawling because I truly didn’t want to react the way I did. I couldn’t control my reaction fast enough. It took me some time to get a grip and see the bigger picture and calm down and let go and move on. WOW! Not a proud moment that’s for sure. A lesson nonetheless.
Bringing it back…
I am still just a person working through my flaws.
I am still my own person before I am a wife and a mother of 2 boys.
I am troubled.
I struggle with my own crap.
I freak out over nonsense.
I worry a lot.
I genuinely want to deal with my stuff.
I want to face my problems head on and address them sooner than later so that my stuff never impacts my family. I know it will of course in some way, and that is the nature of life, and the sooner I accept that, the better.
But, I really want to be better though.
I want to be the best version of myself I can be.
Like I believe I wrote in my previous blog post, I didn’t always know that I wanted to get married and move into a house with a man, but I did know that I wanted to be with someone who pushed me to the best version of myself.
Thank you, Adrian.
You are without a doubt, that person for me.
I know I am putting a ton of pressure on myself to be better as soon as possible to avoid messing our kids up in some way. That pressure is definitely not helping. Again, it’s this perfectionism thing that I can’t quite shake. I haven’t been able to fully shake it since I was a little girl.
I make mistakes. I freak out over nothing. I have a tone. I am controlling at times. I am quick to judge more than I want to be. I overthink to such an extreme.
At the end of the day, I really just want to be better.
I want to keep growing.
I want to keep learning.
I want to model that for our children.
I recognize the areas of my life that I am not satisfied with, and I want to work on them. I want to give my best effort to be better and do better for myself and others around me.
I want to model kindness, curiosity, and integrity.
There is a line in the book Why a Son Needs a Mom that says “strong body, calm mind, busy boy”. I want to have a strong body and a calm mind.
I want to focus on what matters most to me, and I want to stop worrying about what is out of my control.
Stoicism.
Adrian keeps throwing that back at me, as I have thrown it at him in the past.
We are learning about stoicism. We are reading and learning, yet we both are still very much trying to apply all that we have read and learned about.
What is in our control and what isn’t.
It takes time.
That’s the other thing ~ this kind of transformation that I am seeking doesn’t just happen overnight. Another case of – the sooner I accept this – the better.
I will be working on understanding myself better for a long time…
For forever…
There is no rush. There is no race. I’ll miss what’s right in front of me if I focus so hard on reaching the finish line of personal growth. There is NO finish line!
One day at a time.
All I can do in this very moment is try my best.
So simple.
I feel like I am back in elementary school hearing the teachers say “try your best, children”.
But seriously, Izzy!
You are trying your best!
I have held myself to such a high standard for SOOOO long and it’s really starting to deeply mess with me!
Learn from Bryson!
He doesn’t think too deeply about himself. He just is. He does whatever he wants whenever he wants and he is always having a blast doing so. Carefree, silly, enthusiastic, always in a full sprint, giggly, mischievous in the best of ways, vibrant, fun, loving, and kind.
Talk about timing…
Guess who I hear off in the distance…
Wow!
Bryson is awake! =)
Without any formal ending needed for my writing today, I am going to close here and not overthink any of what I just typed up.
I am going to go and have a great day!
I am going to take a break from Operation Understand Izzy Better.
I am going to cherish the sweet moments with my sweet boys!
I am going to practice just BEING.
I am a human being after all. Thank you, Eckhart Tolle for that one.
With love,
Izzy
♥️
calculatedchaosofthemind 