calculatedchaosofthemind

I went to sleep last night with a racing mind.

One of the many thoughts – I think I am ready to write another blog post.

I was instructed multiple times to shut my mind off and get some rest. There may have been some more aggressive language used by Adrian, but you get the gist. For days, if not weeks, I feel I have regressed back to my old tendency of being a ‘busy body’ from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep. One thing is for sure… that has not been serving me well. Or my family. I don’t accept this for myself anymore. I am taking a moment right now to reflect on all of this before too much time passes and I miss it all. I miss my life. I miss the moments. I miss what is right in front of me. What I need and love the most. The small, gentle, simplistic, perfect moments with myself and my family.

I have been avoiding a few things that require me to be alone with myself and my thoughts and even my children. THAT FELT WEIRD!!! Every time Adrian and I say “our kids” or even typing that out just now is different. An adjustment. A little weird. We have KIDS!!! Plural. Two. More than one. Not just a Bryson, but a Carson too. OH MY!!! That is insane! This is amazing! This is it!!! Our family has grown and our love has grown and those ‘moments’ I keep referring to just keep growing and growing. Amazing!

But back to the concept of avoiding alone time and feeling the need to keep busy always… I am not a fan of this, and I am actively working to not accept this for myself. It comes in waves. I do better with all of this and then I regress a bit. The important thing I believe is that I am aware and I want to do better, be better. For myself and my family. For MY KIDS! =) For Adrian. For others around me.

I can’t take for granted that I do want to grow. I do want to do better. I do want to be better. Not everyone in this world can say that for themselves and I really don’t want to take it for granted. I don’t want easy. I want to put in the work and time to improve myself and my life and what is in my control. I want to find ways to slow down, pause more, be more intentional with my words and my actions, love harder, judge less, be kinder, and understand myself better which will only allow me to understand others better as well.

One day at a time…

The true ‘problem’ is why do I feel I am in such a race to have it all figured out today?! I will miss today then. Today is Wednesday, June 25. It’s approaching 6am. Adrian and I were woken up by our alarm clock of Carson minutes before 5am. That is the time we would normally get up anyway to start our day on our terms, so big thanks to Carson for getting hungry on time! =)

I am back to having a massive to-do list of nothing. I write on post it notes so I won’t forget something I want to remember and then within minutes or hours I am tearing up that post it note because I don’t want to live like this anymore! I want to resort back to the classic ‘if it’s important, it will come back to you’. I want to stop feeling like I am always caring for myself and my family rather than being apart of the moments. I am worrying over things that I don’t have to be. I am back to wondering if Bryson needs more water even though I just offered him his water bottle 10 minutes prior. He’s able to communicate that he needs water in his own way, too. Mind you, he has been quite sick for nearly a week now. Totally on the mend finally, but this past week has been heartbreaking and sickly and just tough on all of us. Poor Bryson!!! His first true sickness and it was pretty terrible to witness, but we made it through and it was quite humbling in many ways, and I am just so glad that he’s feeling better. We missed our Bryson!

I could choose to focus more on my love for Adrian and our boys! I could choose to focus on something in my control when my irritations and worries kick into full gear. We’re approaching two months with Carson on July 2. Nearly two months of feeling like it’s go-go-go time. I may have forgotten how reliant a newborn/infant is on me initially. It hasn’t been too long since Bryson was ‘attached’ to me in this way, but alas, I truly did forget how the initial few months go. NOT a complaint by any means! In fact, I am absolutely loving this phase of Carson’s development. How could I not?! Coos, smiles, rolls, all that chunk, he stays put when I leave him somewhere when I leave him for a moment (haha!!), pure awe with the world around him, i.e. the fan… It’s blissful. I am way more tuned in with this phase of Carson’s baby days than I was with Bryson. I didn’t know any better with Bryson. I was so worried about messing him up, not doing right by him, not being the best new mom I could be.

As tuned in as I am, we’re still in a massive adjustment period. Adjusting to two under two. Adjusting to a newborn who is completely reliant on the two of us for survival, and myself for food. I feel that is why I feel this ‘race’ is taking place at times. That it is constantly go-go-go time. Yes, we have our busy moments with our two kids, and we weren’t expecting anything different there. Adrian and I sometimes even have a good laugh when we’re in full chaos mode. For example, we both were laughing pretty hard when Carson and Bryson decided to tune up their cries on the drive home from the playground. I honestly loved it!!! Not a sadistic laugh as Adrian put it, but a ‘wow, this is it eh, the kids have officially learned how to drive us crazy in tandem and we’re officially IN IT’! So cool!!! I’ll just bring earplugs for the next car ride of course. Haha! THIS IS IT! This is the life we wanted! We built together! Three years ago yesterday, June 24, I gave Adrian a puzzle to ask him to be my boyfriend. (I ignored his previous hints and asks for me to be his girlfriend.) Adrian told me he had a crush on me on April Fool’s Day three years ago, and we went on our first date on Friday the 13th of May three years ago, and I kissed him for the first time on June 3rd three years ago. And here we are!!! We’re in it! This is it! We are living our one great life we get to live! I want to live it to the fullest! I want to reflect back often on where this all started and how and why we are where we are today, in this very moment. Both sitting on the couch with our 11-month-old puppy, Tank. Adrian reading, me writing. I honestly can say this is a bit of a dream come true. I didn’t know much about what the future held in terms of my life partner and family. Of all the things I thought about deeply in my 20’s, and we know that was a LOT because I am Izzy, I didn’t give this all too much thought. I DID however think this one specific thought often since I was young – I want to be with someone who challenges me to be a better version of myself. Something like that… Well, Adrian is the one! Adrian is the one, period. But, Adrian is definitely the person who gently yet boldly pushes me to do more, be more, do better, and be better. He believes in me. He believes in my wellbeing and overall fulfillment. I almost typed happiness, but it’s far greater than that. I am happy. I have been happy. I am a happy person. I have my moments of unhappiness, but I rarely even question those moments anymore because I just know that is so apart of life. I am not chasing happiness right now. I am chasing fulfillment. I am chasing growth. I am chasing a natural high on life. I am chasing love. Love for myself, my family, and others around me. I am chasing understanding. The more I understand myself, the better I can understand others around me. This is my one great life! I design the life I live! I am in control. I am not in control of everything, but what I do have control over, I want to ensure I am doing my best. I am modeling a fulfilled, enthusiastic, curious, and let’s go with vibrant life for my kids to follow suit maybe one day.

Alright…

That was a nice rant. But where was I going with all of that?!

My fingers are typing almost as fast as my mind is racing…

That’s almost my point to myself.

WHY?

Why am I feeling the need to type so fast? To think so fast? What is the race? What is the rush?

Yes, Carson will be up soon. Yes, we are still very much on Carson’s time for awhile, and that is perfectly okay. It’s fantastic really. How rare of a moment is that even!!! As much as we’d like and plan to have a family of three kids, I technically only have one more chance to experience all of this after Carson has outgrown the initial months of completely relying on me for his food and on us for his general survival. We will get interrupted. I will forget things when I am in the middle of something and Carson starts his hungry wail. This kid is hilarious! Happily cooing away and full smile then all of a sudden… hysterical! As we say, he goes from 0 to 100 in a matter of seconds, and it’s so entertaining. One could argue that we’re very fortunate that the majority of the time, as long as he’s well-fed and well-rested, Carson is one super chill and pretty content baby for being so utterly new to the world. He has his needs and he knows his needs well. I love it. His relaxed personality is already shining through. No need to complicate matters. Just give him his milk and a comfy place to sleep and he’s set. He’ll smile wide and coo for you all day long. It’s the best!

What a sight. I just turned my head over to where Adrian and Tank are both lying on the couch. Both ASLEEP facing each other! The instant thought – oh that would make such a sweet photo!!! Another thing I want to adjust for myself – I don’t always need to take the photo!!! There are countless sweet and cute and funny and lovely photo opportunities, but I can capture all of those moments with my mind as well. Save it as a memory for myself. Realistically, will I ever go back through all of the photos and videos anyway?! It’s not even possible with the volume of footage saved up now.

Going back – I LOVE that Adrian and I are both up right now doing our reading and writing. I love that we BOTH want to grow as individuals and together as a couple. We both want to do better, be better. For ourselves, for each other, and for our kids. He pushes me to be a better version of myself. He inspires me.

Today, I choose to focus on that.

To focus on our love for each other. Our respect for each other. Our shared purpose to raise great kids together who grow up with even more than we had growing up. Pay it forward. Keep learning. Keep growing. Keep modeling ‘doing the right thing’. (Thank you Ryan Holiday.)

I am in awe of the family we have created. I am in awe of the life we have created together. I am in awe of Adrian. I am in awe of our kids. I am in awe of myself.

Carson is officially awake.

I see him staring up at the fan in his adorable bear suit. The same bear suit Bryson wore. I love that bear suit!

Without any pressure on myself. No rush. No race. I am choosing to pause my writing now to go lay down next to Carson and look up at the same fan with him. I am choosing to pause. I am choosing to live this day ahead to it’s fullest by seeing the world through my kids’ eyes. To slow down and marvel at the simple things. The things I wouldn’t notice without my kids reminding me to notice. Thank you, Bryson and Carson.

I wrote that Carson is reliant on us for his survival right now. But, here’s another thought…

Last one, I swear!

How reliant am I on them?!?

I can’t live without them just like they can’t live without me!

Adrian, Bryson, Carson, and Tank fill up my world so much that I could cry just thinking about how much. I have it all. I love my life. I love my family. I love the mundane moments. I love the tandem cries. I love the chaos. I love the noise. I love the calmness in the house the moment they both are asleep at the same time. I love watching Adrian be a dad. I love Carson’s coos and smiles and kicks. I love Bryson’s fascination with all sorts of books. I love Bryson’s interest to pick up trash in a parking lot. I love Bryson’s obsession with picking up Tank’s poop in the backyard, or at least ensuring that Adrian or I know that he’s pooped so we can grab a poop bag. I love Bryson’s rendition of Adrian scooping up the dead frog with a shovel and throwing it over the fence. We’ve all heard that story several times now, and it never gets old! I love Bryson’s high fives and fist bumps and giggles and hugs. I love how Bryson always wants to hold my hand. I love how Bryson loves music and dancing. Big fan of Post Malone at the moment. I love that! Carson, you’re still very new, so there is less to write about you at this very moment, but I do love your playful, curious, joyful energy as you lay under the fan. Adrian, it goes without saying, I really do love everything about you. We joke, but it’s truly unconditional. And as you put it, I don’t always like you, and you told me that’s okay. But, WOW, I am so in awe of you, and I am in so in love with you, and I so admire and respect you. I am SO thankful that you are the father of our kids. That you are my person, forever.

On that note…

I will finally stop typing and close it here for now.

With SO MUCH love,

Izzy

♥️