calculatedchaosofthemind

Good morning, and happy Tuesday! Happy end of May!

I haven’t written a post since the afternoon of Carson’s birth. I’ve journaled once. The only book I have read is The Daily Dad ~ and just a few short pages. I don’t believe this is attributed to the fact that we now have a newborn and a toddler and a puppy in our home. Yes, it has been busy ~ there have been extremely busy moments, but I really don’t feel like this is the reason that I haven’t paused everything to sit down and write or read.

It’s interesting because writing is definitely therapeutic for me ~ it allows me to reflect on all of the racing thoughts in my mind and collect myself a bit and feel grounded and calm again. However, my mind has been absolutely chaotic for weeks now even before Carson’s birth, so trusting myself enough to pause and write and reflect and collect and calm myself a bit has felt quite daunting. Very daunting hence putting this necessary piece of my life off for so long.

I have so much to share but I can’t quite find the ‘perfect’ words to fairly express how I have been feeling these past several weeks.

I think back to something I read in Emily Oster’s Expecting Better during Bryson’s pregnancy. Well, now I am starting to doubt if this book is really where this line came from… or was it a podcast? Irrelevant really!

It’s all going to come down to priorities… something like that… weighing the pros and cons of each individual moment. Game-time decision as Adrian would say.

The beautifully perfect structure of my previous life – knowing exactly what each day, week, and month consisted of – the predictable day to day minus a few brief, unexpected hiccups along the way… that is very well in the past.

Now, I not only want to, but I need to, take every single day one day at a time. In the individual moments, I assess the pros and cons of some decisions I need to make as a mom – in the moment, without hesitation, without overthinking, without judgement, with more compassion for myself and the situation.

Compassion for myself.

Where has that gone?

I feel I am so much more compassionate for others around me, but I have lost that same sense of loving and kind compassion for myself. For myself who is adjusting to some massive changes. I still don’t feel I can fully comprehend how many changes I am adjusting to – physically, emotionally, and mentally. The high high’s and low low’s. It’s all very real.

I may have a plan or general idea of how I would like the afternoon to go for example, and because I put some thought and care into designing that plan or general idea ~ I can get so rigid with myself if something falls through. It would serve me WAY MORE to trust myself and the situation better and to allow myself to just quite simply go with the flow and LET GO of all expectations and plans and predicted outcomes.

I know this, but I am yet to really apply this. At least consistently.

I have known this for awhile now.

I will be changing my mind and plans and decisions a lot in the near future of raising young children.

I would like to be able to flex the muscle of ‘weighing the pros and cons’ in the individual moments better. Allow myself to not hold to one set plan. Be easy with myself. Be more compassion with myself.

My intentions are good. I really do want to have a good day – good moments with my family – ensure Bryson and Carson are cared for to the best of my ability and feel all of the love I can provide them.

I am tired at times. I am very tired at times. I am still very much working through a lot of my faults. I am human. I make mistakes. I overthink and freak out. I get thrown off when even a small plan I have gets thrown off track. I am tough on myself. I want to consistently do better. I want to be better for myself and for my family. I worry. I stress out. I spiral. I get so excited and enthusiastic at times that I become unrealistic with what I can and can’t do. I want to give so much and then I find myself utterly depleted. I pass judgements… I am working on myself.

My priorities are constantly shifting.

What I deem to be important one moment is not important the next. Hence, where I am trying to go with all of this…

I want to remind myself, on a public platform, that I, as a parent, will truly need to constantly keep assessing the pros and cons of each individual situation. I believe that connects to living in the present moment ~ the power of NOW. Treat every new situation as a new situation – stop pulling from the past to support me all the time. Stop thinking ahead so much. F*** proactivity sometimes. Definitely f*** productivity most of the time.

For example…

I am literally telling myself to ‘land the plane’ now…

Oh no, I think I forgot where I was going with all of this…

I am almost tempted to just write ‘you get the point’ and move on…

Where in the world was I going with all of this?!

Alright, it’s official.

Thought has passed.

Moving on…

& this is a further testament to how the mind has been working lately…

Not going to fight it.

It is what it is.

It’s now just past 6am, and I know that Carson or Bryson could be up any moment, so I am going to try to tie up a very uneventful ‘first post back’ with some quick reflections on how the month of May has treated us.

Just the act of writing this morning has been very helpful by the way. I didn’t make a point. I didn’t even finish a thought. I didn’t finish the task at hand, complete the job, check off something on the to-do list, close that tab, send that email or that text, etc… You hopefully get where I am going with this… I can still be so utterly structured and rigid at times to which so many aspects of my life, even the simplest ones, can feel like a to-do list. Finding the balance of taking good care of our children (keeping Carson alive at this point) and actually enjoying the time with our children. We are responsible for their wellbeing but we can also just simply reap the many benefits of being parents ~ essentially HAVING FUN with our kids!

That was in no way a reflection on this past month of May…

Wow!

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I didn’t know I could include emoji’s… very cool!

Carson is stirring in the next room, so I do know my time is limited now, and I am definitely starting to grow even more distracted than I have been since starting this post…

I’ll just pause here.

I will go hold baby brother Carson and enjoy all of the simple, joyful, precious moments I can of holding our newborn. Marvel at how Bryson has really taken to his role of big brother Bryson. Continue to laugh and awe at how Bryson reenacts his version of Adrian throwing the dead frog over the fence with the handheld shovel. PRICELESS! The way his tongue moves to mimic a frog. I will pause more often to snuggle with our awesome puppy. I will pause more often to give my handsome husband a kiss. I will pause more often to take a deep breath and sit down – just to sit – not to nurse Carson or read a book with Bryson. Just to sit. I will pause more often to drink a glass of water in it’s entirety, not just gulp a few sips and sprint off to the next thing and then wonder why I am so thirsty five minutes later. I will pause more often to just BE. I will pause more often to develop a greater sense of compassion for myself and continue to develop my compassion for others. I will pause more often to ‘caw caw’ at the birds with Bryson. I will pause more often to walk around the home and NOT feel the need to pick something up and clean the counters for the 10th time that morning. I will pause more often to capture these moments with my mind and not with my phone. I will pause more often!

With love and compassion,

Izzy

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