I have been sitting and staring at this screen for a little while now…
I knew when I woke up this morning that I wanted to write another blog post…
I know that writing blog posts on a regular basis in the next few days, weeks, and months may be more challenging per the arrival of our 2nd child…
However, I don’t really know the direction I’d like to take this post in this morning…
Funny because typically these posts truly are as the title of my blog states – calculated chaos of the mind – just dumping the utter mess upstairs onto paper so to speak. I don’t even follow where my mind is going sometimes, so I am not holding on strongly to the fact that anyone else is… That is perfectly okay with me!
However, this morning, I have already put some pressure on myself to write about this unique waiting period Adrian and I find ourselves in yet again…
Maybe I change my mind though, and that is not what I will focus on today. Let’s see…
I have kept up with my journaling on a very regular basis these past few days and weeks, and I now realize more than ever how therapeutic and necessary that is for me to ground myself in the most positive way each day.
I seek answers to my internal questions through something online or through one of the many books we have in our home. Through conversations with friends, family, even Adrian. I reread something I wrote down last month, and it goes like this the answers lie inside of me… I am always looking for that book, podcast, therapist to piece it all together for me, but I can trust myself to find the answer within. I can trust myself. Trust the process. Trust my body. Trust. I know a thing or two…
I believe it was one of Rupi Kaur’s poems in Home Body that inspired that note I wrote to myself in one of my journals.
Why am I so quick to look outward than inward for these answers?
Why am I so quick to put all of my trust in someone else other than myself?
I do believe that sometimes that is valid of course, but in this exact moment ~ doubting the natural process of our 2nd child being born ~ I choose to look inward and trust myself. My healthy pregnancy, my healthy body, our healthy baby who has been happily and healthily growing inside who has posed us no reason to worry about his or her arrival date. I am writing all of this with way more confidence this morning as a result of several conversations Adrian and I have had. We are right back where we were pre-Bryson who graced us with his presence 11 days past his estimated due date. Adrian reminded me, yet again, to put away my phone last night – stop searching online for the answers. Stop replaying the conversations with doctors and nurses. “Just stop” as he phrased it so eloquently and simply. “This baby is stubborn just like the rest of the Mahadeos” and trust that there is absolutely no reason to worry. No reason to fixate on this one date of April 20 and allow that to dictate how we live our lives leading up to and now having passed that one date.
For some quick background – our prenatal practice believes 41 weeks is the ‘cut off’ for a healthy pregnancy versus the traditional 42 weeks. We just learned this at our appointment on Thursday. The hospital only has tomorrow for a date of induction and even though we asked for Friday, May 2 as the date to schedule a formal, medicated induction – the hospital has too many other inductions and c-sections scheduled, so we either take tomorrow, or we have no scheduled induction date as a safety measure in case or he or she does truly need some medical assistance with his or her entrance into the world. We were provided two EDD’s technically, April 20 and April 23, and with that bit of information, and the fact that my pregnancy has only been healthy, ‘easy’, and low-risk, and with the memory of Bryson arriving 11 days past his EDD with zero complications to myself or him, why would we worry?!? Why would we rush the natural process of a baby arriving when he or she is ready to be born?!? What a mind f*** this has all been, yet again.
Tune out the world. Tune into my body.
Trust myself, trust my body, trust our baby.
Trust Adrian… I saw something beautiful that read I may be the one carrying the baby, but he is the one carrying us.
YES!!!
This second pregnancy would not have been all that it has been for me without Adrian!
I loved this pregnancy.
I loved how often Bryson poked my belly button out of sheer curiosity. He took such great pride in seeing how far he could shove his finger in there. That smile of pure joy and innocence! Wow!
I loved how Bryson insisted on sitting directly in the middle of my lap for every story time no matter how many times I tried to shift him to the right or left of my bump. He always repositioned.
I loved the strength I was able to keep up despite a very inconsistent workout schedule these past 17 months…
I loved how empowered I felt to complete my favorite Crossfit workout, Grace, last week, and see if I could beat my score from my pregnancy with Bryson a few weeks before his due date.
I loved the creativity it took to play with Bryson and Tank given my new, temporary physique.
I loved how supported I felt by Adrian through every complaint, leg cramp, irrational worry, etc.
I loved how my mood didn’t completely drop like it did with the last pregnancy where I faced extreme sadness and darkness for the initial few months and I kept assuming that was never going to go away…
That sadness did go away, and it never came back.
I have only continued to grow as an individual, mother, and wife. I have only continued to flourish as I carry all of these new titles. My mood has never been more stable. I have never felt such joy and pride and enthusiasm for life before. I have never felt better. I have never felt stronger. I have never felt more excited to live the life I lead.
I have prepared for this moment of welcoming our 2nd child into our world for some time now…
I have mentally and emotionally processed that my time with ‘just Bryson’ is nearing an end… any moment now really…
I have chosen to not fixate on the closing of this one chapter, but rather focus on the opening of this next chapter, a mom of 2 under 2, parenting two children with my best friend and the love of my life.
I knew he was the one.
I knew he was going to be the father of my children when I met him at that coffee shop in Fort Lauderdale a few years back…
We are coming up on 3 years since our first date on May 13 and 2 years since our marriage on May 15.
A ripped out page from my journal states that on February 5, 2023, at Wells Coffee in Flagler Village, I wrote the following I trust he’ll be a great lifelong partner, and father too… I really hit the lottery with him… I trust Adrian and I know he will support and love me no matter what. We will get through all of it, together – because we’re better when we’re together.
ALRIGHT THEN, CUE THE TEARS!!! Wow!
We are better when we’re together.
We learned we were pregnant with Bryson on March 10…
Life eh!
What a whirlwind!
What beauty!
TRUST LIFE!!!
I choose to spend these next few hours and maybe days as we continue this unique and beautiful waiting game focusing on what IS in my control. Stoicism. Adrian and I keep bringing it back to this. What is in our control versus what isn’t. Applying all that we have been learning. What IS in our control is how we spend these next few hours and days… focusing on what really matters. QUALITY TIME! Quality time as a family!
I will keep writing, reading, journaling, moving, calming my mind, staying present, spending quality time with Adrian, Bryson, and Tank…
We will continue to have FUN!!!
More beach visits perhaps!
I loved our visit to the dog beach the other morning… I walked across the little wooden bridge to greet the ocean and I was just in such awe, yet again! Abundance! Beauty! WOW!
Bryson & Tank happily entertaining themselves with some kelp and a spoon.
A SPOON!!!
Bryson was so entertained scooping up the sand with a plastic spoon he had found. He seemed so pleased with himself as he ‘helped’ Tank dig. It was incredible! Not a surprise, but still just so incredible! Children are SO curious and creative and inspiring in so many ways. I have shared this sentiment before, but wow, we really have so much to learn from THEM. Not just the other way around…
So, happy Saturday!
Today is going to be a great day.
Today, I choose to focus on what is my control.
Today, I choose to focus on having FUN with my family.
Today, I choose to move through the day 1 hour at a time…
Soaking up precious moments with my precious family.
Trusting myself. Trusting my body. Trusting our baby.
We are here and oh so ready for you when you are ready, little one.
We love you and we can’t wait to officially meet you!!!
With love,
your momma
❤️
calculatedchaosofthemind 