calculatedchaosofthemind

Mind is racing.

I am buzzing.

I feel such a rush of empowering energy flowing through me at this very moment, yet I also feel a very deep sense of calm and control over myself.

I am in such a good place at this moment. With myself. With the world around me.

I feel giddy. A bit nervous. Very excited. Very energized. A bit apprehensive of the unknown.

Let the waiting game truly begin…

I am mentally, emotionally, and physically READY for you little one!

Adrian and I had yet another beautiful conversation last night after putting Bryson to sleep ~ gently discussing what this next chapter holds for the 3 of us. Gently discussing how we view things in our life at this current moment ~ our relationship of nearly 3 years, the way in which we hope and plan to raise our son and future children, our relationships with our extended family, our careers, our greater purpose, and the overall greater meaning of life… you know, the usual, super casual, late-night chit-chat! =) * This is probably why I woke up so energized and ready to bolt out of bed to first journal and now blog.

We know and understand that everything we currently think and believe is subject to change in a matter of moments.

What is in our control and what is out of our control?

Stoicism.

We have been applying what we have been learning.

We are reaping the many benefits of our dedicated time to self-improvement.

We are so aligned at the moment while also respecting our incredible differences.

We want what is best for each other and our family, most importantly.

We are rooting for each other.

How cool is that!

We know we are going to be constantly evolving as human beings, as citizens of the world.

That excites us!

This never-ending journey of life with ups and downs along the way.

How to allow Bryson to just be. To just be a toddler. To let him learn on his own terms while also ensuring he’s safe and so loved and well cared for. It’s the interactions with other children and parents and families that makes this whole parenting thing a whole new level of complicated. Zooming out to gain a broader lens. What is the biggest picture? Not focusing in on one specific moment on the playground, one conversation with a fellow mom…

He is one happy kid, and that is the most gratifying part of all.

There’s no handbook.

There’s no one perfect solution.

We, as adults, are all different from each other, and therefore we will all parent our children differently.

Bryson and our # 2 will grow up in a world filled with difficulties ~ difficult people and difficult moments ~ we believe in building resilience to not only face but embrace those difficulties.

I keep feeling like I don’t fit in.

I have been feeling this way, as a mother, since very early on.

I too am a mom now, so why don’t I feel connected to the other mothers?

I am still my own person though.

I don’t ‘hit it off’ with every person I meet day to day.

I typically don’t doubt my differences anymore, but rather I embrace that I feel so different from others around me on a daily basis. Different is cool.

I think back to what I wrote in my high school yearbook ~ something like ‘we start high school off in freshman year trying so hard to fit in, yet by our senior year, we are trying so hard to stand out’… Interesting! I’m sticking with that term ‘interesting’ even though it technically is a non word. =)

It’s okay to stand out. It’s good. It’s great even! I have felt more at peace with myself as an individual and in the many titles I now carry. I don’t have to do ‘my life’ like anyone else. I can think my own thoughts. I can believe my own beliefs. I can pretty much do whatever I want and be whoever I am ~ just because. This is me! This is it! This is my one great life to live! I don’t have to explain myself. I don’t have to justify myself. I feel good with the notion that as long as I am living my life to the fullest fueled with love, kindness, curiosity, integrity, and the best of intentions ~ I am good.

I am a human being.

I am deeply proud of myself in several ways, but I am also flawed and still learning and I will continue to learn forever.

I have an ego that I continue to remind myself to check.

I am extremely excitable and enthusiastic.

I overthink and doubt myself far too often.

I remind myself constantly to get out of my head and into my body.

I remind myself often to pause and take deep breaths before I spiral.

I put an intense and immense amount of pressure on myself, and I am finally realizing that no one else is actually applying that same pressure. That is all me.

I set high expectations for myself, and it is okay if I fall short.

I trust I am doing my best.

I will keep trying.

I will keep moving forward.

I can hardly go to sleep peacefully at night if I don’t floss because as Adrian reminds me of what I have said countless times ~ “I want to be a good citizen of the world” ~ something like flossing every night is important to me and NOT just so my teeth look and feel extra clean. The dentist told me to do this, so I am going to do this. For the record ~ I have literally missed ONE night of flossing since my last dentist appointment. Huge pat on the back for me! Massive high five for Izzy!

I love writing so much, yet I still have moments of wondering why I am writing on an open blog platform. I could just keep all of my writing to myself. I do have that 82-page document to keep adding to…

Why would I share my writing in a more public way?

I love photography. I love capturing beautiful, joyful, simple moments.

SIMPLE. A word I feared for so long. I feared a simple life. I feared a simplistic day to day, mundane, drab world filled with simple, minimal plans. WOW!!! Look how far I have come with that!

I LOVE SIMPLE.

The simpler, the better!

More to come on that…

I love writing and photography and if I think back to Sir Ken Robinson’s book The Element which I also loved, why not combine my talent with my passion? Why not create something of my own and tap into my love for both?

I may just be good at photography right now, but I could be great…

I teach kids how to read and write, and I feel incredibly competent in my role doing so.

I rarely ever doubt my competency when it comes to my role as an educator.

Why not trust that I could feel equally as competent and confident with my writing and photography skills?

Who’s to say I couldn’t be great?

That I am not already great?

Whose definition of great am I comparing myself to?

I’ll never get anywhere with all of these comparisons and doubts and worries…

Trust!

This is for me!

This is my one great life to live!

This is it!

& with that, I am going to pause, with yet again ~ no formal ending.

With love,

Izzy

♥️