Good morning and happy Sunday!
The theme of today’s blog post is at least going to start by being centered around the arrival of our 2nd child, Bryson’s younger brother or sister. As today marks 39 weeks along in our 2nd pregnancy with next Sunday marking the estimated due date, I am definitely feeling an array of feelings.
I have made some comparisons back to my pregnancy with Bryson in terms of how I am physically, mentally, and emotionally feeling, but overall it’s an entirely different experience. I am not only processing what it will ‘feel like’ to be a mother of 2, give birth again, start nursing again, etc… I am processing what it will feel like to not just be ‘Bryson & me’. I can still vividly recall the moment when my dad and Josie announced they were pregnant with Ian. “Everything is going to change!!!” YES! I was 100 percent correct about that. Everything was going to change. Everything did change. Change is good. Change is inevitable. Change is okay.
Bryson & I have built such a bond these past 16 months, nearly 17 months as of the 23rd. Hmm… I wonder if baby # 2 will also choose to arrive on the 23rd…
I am quite remarkably a whole new woman it feels like. Carrying the title of a mother, but not just a mother, Bryson’s mother, has been the greatest thing apart from becoming Adrian’s wife. I realize this isn’t anything earth-shattering, and very much the norm for several people who grow older, change, and find their loving partner and start a family… However, this still feels absolutely HUGE to me! Every day I live a remarkable life filled with so much damn joy it hurts sometimes. I look at Bryson, Adrian, and Tank (I have a feeling Adrian will comment on the order of the names there, haha), and I think to myself wow, this is beyond your wildest dreams. This is it, Izzy! This is your life! The best part of it all ~ it will only get better!!! Adrian shares this line with me often as I naturally spiral on several themes of life ~ parenting, career, finances, friendships, etc. At this rate, if SO MUCH has changed in such a dramatic and beautiful way in less than TWO years – imagine what kind of INSANELY-AMAZING change could take place in TWO MORE years and then another 5-10… Woah!
It’s a very unique feeling…
This waiting game…
When will he or she feel ready to properly join us?
We are SO VERY READY for you to join us!
I have been hard on myself at times because I feel stretched between having my attention on Bryson & our bond in these final moments of just ‘him & I’, intentionally private bonding moments with our growing 2nd child inside my belly, and Tank. Haha! I did genuinely chuckle to myself there… Yes, of course, AND ADRIAN! That does without saying. I recall a line from one of Emily Oster’s books that I listened to through Audible ~ something about it’s a natural occurrence of parenting, specifically early parenting, where you’ll essentially never have that same length of time to ‘talk everything through’ as much as one or both members of the partnership would like. Adrian and I will not have the same level of time and undivided attention to address some topics of conversations we’d like to have ~ for our personal relationship or as parents of soon to be 2. That is a fact. Our time is more limited, but definitely not in a negative way. That’s been an especially hard one for me to fully grasp and accept. I still feel a bit of a need to talk everything to at length. I sometimes have to just ‘let it go’ as we cannot always finish every conversation and we do have to pick and choose what we can talk about with the time we have. Adrian gone for his 24 hour shifts doesn’t help matters in this case, but we are pretty mindful of how fortunate we are to balance professions we love and so much quality time with our family. So, I can’t get too greedy here! Or at least that is how I see it right now. ***Very mindful that my perspective on just about everything is continuing to evolve with time. I am a human being and I have my flaws and that is okay. I am trying my best to stop judging myself so hard while I am in the learning and growing process of life.
Landing the plane…
It has been tough, but not as tough as we are truly almost at the very end of this waiting game, to process that my time with Bryson will never be the same. Even though WE WANTED THIS! This is all good. This is all great. We wanted to expand our family, and we wanted Bryson to be very close in age with his younger sibling. I still have a lot of feelings about this next change. This next phase of our life. Parenting two under two. Our time as parents growing more and more limited. Our time as a married couple growing more and more limited.
I feel really good about how I have soaked up these last few months with Bryson. As just ‘Bryson & me’. Between a rapidly growing belly bump and feeling the effects of a ton of hormonal shifts, I am at peace with my ‘final moments’ with just Bryson. I love how he snuggles up to me with his books and now, stuffed animals, as best he can around the baby bump. I love how fascinated he is with my belly button.
Time is so precious.
I am still struggling to find that ‘nice balance’ of how to intentionally use my time every day. Dare I say ‘perfect balance’, but I am very cognizant of eliminating perfectionist tendencies from my being. Every day does look different when it comes to striking these ‘nice balance’ of how to use and spend my precious time each and every day. Having my alone time in the mornings helps greatly with this. This 1 hour or so before Bryson wakes up ~ to read and/or write ~ grants me the time to focus on me. I still struggle with ‘staying in touch’ with others. This includes my parents, siblings, close friends, good friends, new friends, etc. I feel incredibly fortunate to have a LOT of beautiful relationships in my life. This is something I think about often in fact. How to continue to nurture so many loving and valuable relationships without drawing away from the relationships right in front of me ~ in my own home. Living in the moment with my husband and soon to be two kids while also living ‘through a phone’ and staying digitally connected with loved ones from all over. THIS IS SO TOUGH! This truly is a very tough thing for me to process. There is no magic answer which is the most frustrating part of it all! I want my loved ones, family and friends included, to know how much I care for them and love them. I want to be there for everyone I love. Not even in the way I was there for them before because I have accepted that part of the change a while back. I need to LET GO of this idea of who I need to be for everyone around me. I want to let go! I still have moments of feeling selfish for wanting and choosing to focus all of my time and attention on my family of Adrian, Bryson, # 2, and Tank. However, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if I didn’t give my full attention, love, and care to this family of mine. Quite the paradox eh!
Writing these blog posts helps me.
Writing helps me.
I realize that very few people in my circle of loved ones even read what I have been writing for months. I just looked back and saw that I started writing in July of 2024. Almost 1 year ago! Woah! Anyway, I don’t share the links directly with family and friends as often because I am know I am writing for me. I need to remind myself of this though because otherwise I will start to take it personally and not feel too great about the fact that I have shared the posts in the past to some of my closest of family and friends, and my personal writing has gone unread. I KNOW and respect that time is precious! I get it! I do! I know I cannot take this personally. I just have to keep reminding myself of this. And I have to remind myself that this is for me. This is my outlet to candidly share my feelings, thoughts, and views on the world around me. This outlet does allow me to ‘stay connected’ while struggling so much to find that ‘nice balance’ of connection with my day to day life right in front of me and all of the other beautiful relationships I have all around.
Bryson will be waking up any moment now…
We have a beautiful Sunday ahead of us…
My intention is to go into the day ahead and focus on keeping my mind calm. Focus on what is right in front of me. Focus on quality time with my beautiful family in our beautiful home. Focus on these final moments of ‘waiting’ for the arrival of our # 2. Focus on checking in on how I am physically feeling versus the natural and inevitable calculated chaos of my mind.
Time is so precious.
I can and will continue to be very intentional about how I spend my time.
I am not being selfish by choosing to spend my time focused on what is literally right in front of me.
I am not being selfish by choosing to spend my time focused on me!
I am not being selfish by STILL struggling to find that healthy balance of how to spend my time in the present moment and through a device. A pretty remarkable device that allows SO MANY AMAZING people to stay digitally connected all over the world.
I don’t have to justify myself.
I don’t have to feel bad or sorry for choosing to spend my time how I choose to spend my time.
This is it!
This is my life!
Time is precious!
Life is precious!
I feel good and at peace with myself in this moment.
Quite interesting ~ my laptop is quite literally saying “you’re out of time” as the low battery signal pops up – haha!
On that note…
I had more to write and share…
I always do…
I always will…
But it is perfectly okay to just pause right here…
Without a formal ending or without fully feeling wrapping up my morning thoughts of the day…
I just wanted to capture the moment. I believe I did that.
Bryson, I have so loved it being ‘you & me’, but I know and deeply trust that I will love it being ‘you & me & #2’ in just a matter of days…
For whatever reason, I feel like writing CHEERS to our growing family!!! CHEERS to what lies ahead!!! CHEERS to continuing to balance our time!!!
With love,
Izzy
♥️
calculatedchaosofthemind 