calculatedchaosofthemind

Hello, good morning, and happy Friday!

I really do love Fridays!

I decided to circle back to a previous title of a blog post I created on July 9, 2024. I find this title to be quite fitting for what I am thinking I will write about today…

Let’s see where this goes…

It’s been some time since I have posted, and although I have kept up with my journaling, I find myself craving to write in a more formal way again. My mind feels somewhat calm at the moment as it’s not even 7am, but I am already scrambling to capture all of the beautiful ideas bubbling around up there. Our alarm has still be going off at 5:30am every morning to allow Adrian and myself some time to ourselves individually or together before the little man wakes up. We’ve been ignoring that alarm for days though, as we both got quite sick this past weekend and need all the additional rest we can get. I was pretty thrilled to find myself NOT needing any additional rest this morning, and alas here I am. Typing out some of the thoughts that were floating through my mind as I lay in bed trying to squeeze in a few more minutes of rest.

That reminds me of a phrase I had used often in the early days of dating Adrian nearly 3 years ago…

“Just 1 more minute”…

Any chance I could take to request an additional minute or five or ten with him – I would take it. He would be leaving the apartment to go drive back home before his shift the next day, and I would panic. I needed more time. I needed “just one more minute”. It’s interesting because I felt a similar sensation this morning when I woke up next to him. Pure COMFORT. This man is my comfort. This man makes me feel more comfortable than I have ever felt in my entire life. I don’t know if I had ever fully appreciated that. If I had ever appreciated that affect he has on me, or the fact that feeling such a grand level of COMFORT feels better than anything in the entire world. I needed to capture that feeling, that moment – with this blog post today. I can elaborate on how and why he’s capable of providing this comforting feeling to me, but I believe just realizing that was enough for me this morning. Wow! It really did have me in such awe. I get to wake up next to the love of my life. I get to wake up feeling instantly at ease with myself and the world. I get to feel the all-embracing comfort of knowing I will forever have a life partner who will be there for me even when I cannot be there for myself sometimes. A person who in such a short period of time in my life, given I will turn 33 in a matter of weeks, has lifted me up higher than I could ever imagine possible. Who has quite literally seen me at my absolute lowest (let’s just say that family sickness we all caught was not a glamorous one) physically, mentally, and emotionally. Who drove me across the state while I was coming off what felt like a full-blown manic episode and slept by my side for nearly 20 hours in Gulfport, Florida. We had an overnight getaway planned for the weekend, but I ended up sleeping the entire time and he just lied with me and comforted me in such an intense way. When I initially found out I was pregnant with Bryson, I immediately stopped taking my prescribed mood stabilizer medication that I had been taking for years. OUCH! In addition to the new range of hormones surging through my system, I had stopped this medication that I was relying on quite heavily. Coming off those pills was incredibly painful and nearly debilitating given all of the massive life changes we were undergoing in a matter of months. I believe it was nearly 2 straight months of extreme darkness. To think such a joyful time ~ moving into a home with Adrian, getting married, the early months of pregnancy ~ I was so deeply miserable. I was so very sad for what felt like an eternity. Adrian was always there. Having been dating me for less than a year. He was there. He comforted me. He saw me. He heard me. He loved me, unconditionally. We made vows on May 15, 2023, and those vows and commitments were instantly kicked into effect literally hours after leaving the courthouse. I was very sick. I was very unwell. I was back to full tears hours after tying the knot. He stayed by my side and continued to comfort me and love me with all of his heart. He probably imagined a different way of celebrating our marriage that day, but alas, life is messy sometimes. It’s so powerful that level of love. I tear up now just thinking back to those early days of when Adrian and I became a forever WE.

We are better together.

We have our differences.

We are SO different actually. I find that to be so incredibly fascinating because my brain still can’t properly compute how compatible we are despite all of our inherit differences. I have been a classic rule follower since I was very young. Just the other day in fact, we were all at an indoor trampoline park, and we paid for Bryson, Adrian, and Ian to go in and play. We didn’t pay for my ticket and/or my necessary grippy socks. Therefore, I was not allowed to go into the play area, and I was okay with this as crawling through those tight spaces with the size of my belly never seemed of interest to me anyway. However, I was enticed to come check in on Bryson and all of the cool climbing he was doing at one point. Oof! Break the rules?! I don’t have the socks on and I didn’t pay. I am not allowed. But, I really want to see Bryson climb!!! I could watch Bryson do just about anything for hours on end (more to come on this phenomenon), but rules are rules. Long story short, I popped in, SNUCK IN really, and took a quick peek of the little man looking extra proud of himself as he climbed through this jungle gym and went down a really big slide on his own. Lovely moment! I soaked it up and then fled the scene of the crime. I really didn’t feel comfortable staying too long.

Ryan Holiday’s book Right Thing, Right Now is fabulous! I have only just started, but so far, so great!!! (Good values, good character, good deeds). More to come on that…

Land the plane, Izzy, as Adrian would say…

Okay, so my brain still struggles to compute how Adrian and I can be so great together despite our intense differences. We can be so great, yet we can have such hard moments together. Yes, I happen to find myself in the mood to write when I am riding a personal high, as opposed to when Adrian and I are sitting on the couch together late at night talking and crying about some hardships we face as individuals and as a couple. Yes, I am currently writing on about my intense love for this man, how much he inspires me, captivates me, supports me, comforts me, loves me, etc. I do genuinely find it interesting how all of my blog posts seem to end up being a bit of a love letter to Adrian in some respect, BUT the point is – I don’t need to fully grasp or understand how and why we are meant to be. We just are. I want to understand because that is who I am at my core. I have been seeking to understand since I was very young. I consider myself to be quite curious. I am curious about people and the world around me, yet I am also quite naive to a lot of things too. Very naive. That is okay. I am perfectly okay with this. I believe in right and wrong. I believe in the premise of the book I am currently reading – there is a right thing – justice. Four virtues and justice is one of them. Way more to come on my takeaways. It’s rare these days to witness that level of doing the ‘right thing’, but it still exists, and I still plan to abide by this as best I can. To model that for my family. For others around me. Regardless of if anyone is truly watching. It’s for me, not for them.

Continuing to try to land the plane… I never doubt my love for Adrian, yet sometimes I can feel such a wide range of emotions about our relationship. I can feel sad and hurt and confused. I know we are forever because of many things but mainly because we committed to forever and we both hold to our commitments. This rule follower couldn’t possibly break that rule. Rules aside, the level of trust I have in him, in us, in our love, in our family – WOW! Now that is one intense feeling. Trust life, my mom always said. I am. I do. I am trusting…

I am loved. I am comforted.

I love.

I am continuing to find ways to love even harder.

I love in my own ways.

Adrian loves in his own ways.

And, because I will find any excuse to bring Bryson up in any conversation, including my blog posts, Bryson loves in his own ways. Bryson has his own good days and bad days. Bryson is his own person. We let Bryson be Bryson. We accept him fully as the little man he is. Always learning. Always growing. Why do I find it so hard sometimes to let Adrian be Adrian fully? Why do I fight it sometimes? We are different. We don’t have to agree on everything. We don’t have to communicate the same way. We don’t have to express our love for each other the same way. I wouldn’t dare tell Bryson to start being different from what he is each and every day. He’s Bryson. Adrian is Adrian. Just let them be. I’m me. I can’t stop talking some moments. Adrian can’t talk some moments. All of this is okay. In those moments of what seems to feel like a complete disconnection, I worry, I panic, I question, I lose sight of reality entirely. Why? Trust. We always find our way back to each other. Always. We always come back US. We are always learning, growing, and evolving as individuals and together. We are not the same individuals or the same couple we were 2+ years ago… Good! This is good!!!

We never fall asleep on bad terms. To a fault, we always clear the air. Even if that entails a couple extra minutes…let’s be honest, hours, of conversation to reach a mutual understanding. Or not even an understanding every time, just a mutual place of what we want what’s best for each other, no matter what. We are rooting for each other, we are rooting for US, always. We always end our days on a good note. Doesn’t have to be a great note. But, when I woke up this morning realizing that I was lying next to my biggest comfort. My best friend. The love of my life. The father of my cool kid and soon to be kids. I was in such awe. I was so at peace with myself and the world. I felt so immensely grateful for that comforting feeling I was enveloped in. I’m in awe of Adrian. I am in awe of Bryson. And you know what, I am in awe of myself, too. I don’t dismiss the fact that I am very, very proud of the person I am today. I continue to love myself so that I can continue to love others around me, unconditionally.

I may not always understand everything.

I may not understand why some people act unkindly. Why some people quite simply don’t follow the rules or do the right thing. I don’t need to always understand. I don’t need to be able to compute every little detail in my mind. Save the energy, Izzy. Just let people be as they are. Trust that everyone will find the love and comfort they so deserve and need. Trust life…

This is it, Izzy! Part 2!

Our baby’s estimated due date of April 20 is fast approaching…

Soon, the 4 of us, yes, Tank is always included in that number count, will be the 5 of us.

Soon, I will be a momma of 2.

Soon, I will witness Adrian dad TWO children. I have never witnessed a dad like him before.

The level of fun he infuses into every moment with Bryson, yes, is definitely one thing.

Attentive, committed, loving… he’s just all in. I love it!

Soon, Bryson will be a big brother to a little brother or sister.

Soon, our world will change forever, yet again.

Soon, we will be novices all over again. We will be learning to navigate a world of 2 under 2.

So, this is it!

Take a moment to pause.

Take a moment to breathe this in.

This is the beautiful life you created, Izzy.

These are the beautiful moments that will turn into lasting memories.

Enjoy all of these comforting, loving, calming moments with you and your family.

There is nothing like it!!!

This is it!

I am so grateful. I am so happy. I am so fulfilled!!!

I am so loved and I love so much!

With love,

Izzy