calculatedchaosofthemind

Ever since I can remember, I have loved and craved quality time.

I would assume we all would naturally crave this? But I am not sure this feels as pressing of a desire and need for everyone as I did and still do.

I find it so interesting how worked up I can still get over my ‘never-ending’ need to keep busy to ensure I’ve done something productive to simply feel good and validated and blah blah blah, YET I can easily miss those simple, beautiful, QUALITY moments! I still struggle (and this is not a personal attack on myself in a negative way, more just self-awareness) with sitting still on the play mat with Bryson. I can’t help but think about preparing some snacks for him even though he just ate instead of soaking up his incredible-ness that is staring me in the face. I love deeming myself to be proactive because that allows myself to feel like this is all okay – living in the future vs in the moment, BUT I do strongly believe that the more I shift my focus to the present moment – THE NOW – my life will continue to progress in a powerful, beautiful, meaningful way. The quality time I have yearned for for so long will be so utterly natural to my day to day.

I do think of it like rewiring the way my brain has been functioning for so long.

I work with students of all ages on rewiring the way their brains process language as they develop their reading and writing skills. I understand a fair amount on how this all works, especially with consistent effort to enact these effective changes.

Why not look at my current dilemma with the same care, attention, and compassion I would provide to a student of mine?

For so long, I have been programmed to believe I always need to be two steps ahead to avoid ________. I don’t even know how to fill in that blank. What was I so afraid of? What am I still fearing? The fear-based mind. So fascinating! An incredible therapist of mine in LA had introduced me to this concept years ago, and a lot of our work revolved around this. Anyway!

I like feeling prepared.

I like feeling like I have control over the situation(s) at hand.

I like feeling like I have all of the answers, solutions, etc.

I like feeling satisfaction from knowing I am ‘on it’.

I can already see myself enacting some small, compoundable changes that I trust will have a massive ripple effect with some time.

I am regaining my mindfulness practices.

I am more aware than I have been in a long time.

I have a 14-month old son who is developing at an exponential rate and I marvel at so much of who he has become already in this world, and he is only 14-months old. Learning from him has taught me some of the greatest lessons so far! Learning alongside Adrian as we raise this cool little man!

Quality time.

The reality is every hour of every day may not always feel like ‘quality time’. Hmm… that is an interesting concept though – is there a way to transform the way I view this? Given I strive to maintain a growth-oriented mindset (thank you, Carol Dweck), I believe so. Quality time in the kitchen as we clean what feels like a million dishes every single day. Quality time in the bathtub as Bryson unwinds for the day – perhaps a perfect opportunity to pause and reflect on the whole day – the good, the bad, and the ugly. I love a good daily recap! As a previous post mentioned, I just try to avoid daily-recapping in bed at the end of a long day! =) Quality time in the car driving to the gym for a family workout in the morning. Quality time by myself right now (Tank snoozing away next to me on the couch) as I type up this blog post this morning.

I think I am getting the picture here!

Quality time can always exist.

Another perspective thing eh!

I don’t want to miss a moment, yet the amount of time I spend worrying anxiously about missing a moment detracts from my desire to never miss a moment! Ah the paradox!!!

This is it, Isabelle!

This is the moment!

Here you are!

Now is the time to soak up and enjoy the quality time you have gifted yourself. Waking up to an earlier alarm to allow myself an hour or so to read, write, whatever ~ before Bryson wakes up and you get to go create that beautiful QUALITY moment with him as you greet him in his bedroom. Starting a quality day together filled with quality time and quality moments from start to finish.

Adrian and I love knocking on his door before walking in, as if we are giving him an extra moment of privacy like he’s a teenager, before we come barging in and make a big commotion to start his day on a fun, exciting, positive, energetic, enthusiastic note!

That is in our control. How we start his days! How we start our days!

At the pace I have moved through my life in the past, I missed a lot! I don’t remember a lot actually and I can fully testify that to being a result of going and going and going at a rate that was never set up for lasting success.

In this moment, just past 7am now on a beautiful Sunday morning, as the month of January wraps up, I think to all of the many things I am so grateful for.

Most importantly, in this very moment, I am just so grateful to be in a position to be able to appreciate all that I have in my life. This is it! This is my beautiful life! This magical life of mine that I am choosing to see as magical even in the darkest of moments and days, and those moments and days do come, and will continue to come, but I can now embrace them in such a different way than ever before. I am not afraid of missing something. I am not afraid of not being enough. I am not afraid to see what later today and tomorrow and the next day holds. I can only look forward to all the many quality moments to come. I look forward to all of the quality time I will spend with myself, with Adrian, with Bryson, with my future children, with my family, with my friends, with everyone. You too, Tank! Instead of stressing myself out about this any longer ~ I choose to live in the now, live in the moment, live in the present.

Today is going to be a great day.

As Adrian would tell me “just have fun”. His one simple instruction for each day that he leaves for work. I am pretty sure he adds “please” to the end of that command most times. He is quite insistent to focus on the FUN, and I believe that is a testament to knowing me so well. Insisting I focus on the quality time with Bryson when he’s on shift, and ensure I focus on having fun versus feeling like I am just taking care of our kid. Have fun with our kid! Have a fun day! Enjoy the quality time with Bryson!

It really is never easy to see him off for his 24 hour shift at the station + quite a long drive added on to and from, but alas, I am happy that he truly loves what he does for a living AND I just focus on ALL OF THE QUALITY TIME we get when he is home for nearly 2 straight days!!! =)

As he reminds me almost on a regular basis, he is home for 2/3rds of the year and he works essentially 9 days each month. I can still miss him every day he’s away though! That is fair. However, I can also choose to focus on that he works a job that allows him to soak up an incredible amount of quality time with his family ~ which was one of the major benefits he saw when choosing this field of work.

And on that note… I shall close for now…

7:15am! Woah, Bryson! Way to go, sleepyhead!

Let’s have a FUN day ahead!

Wishing everyone a FUN Sunday!

Filled with quality moments!

Enjoy that quality time!

With love,

Izzy

♥️

… and he’s up!!! WOW! Timing!!!