I got a little comfortable with that snooze button these past few weeks…
It took a conversation with Adrian last night regarding the current ‘dad challenge’ he’s started to get me thinking about where I am at with any goals or desire to do even just a little more than I did the day before.
I can still distinctly remember being an avid fan of New Year resolutions for sooo many years starting as a young girl. I even wrote about these goals and plans in an afterschool program and the woman in charge felt inspired by my clear and concise objectives of eating better and reading more. She had later shared that she had lost weight as a result of witnessing my desire to take better care of myself. I am going to verify all of this with my mom sooner than later, as I have held on to this vivid memory for a very long time, and I am wondering if this is fabricated in any way. It did feel nice to receive that kind and positive feedback considering I was just doing something (writing new year resolutions) that felt so natural and honestly, necessary. I don’t think I really thought twice about not writing them out.
I don’t know when it started or even why it started, but I started putting a ton of pressure on myself early on (recall last blog post touching on my 5th grade teachers sitting me down to essentially tell me to ‘chill out’ a bit and not take school SO seriously). I really do love certain aspects of all of this, but I still struggle to this day with balancing how to push myself while not taking away from enjoying who I currently am as a result of all of that pushing and simply enjoy the simple moments – I don’t always need to be doing more – to be more. I can be okay with where I am at and who I am currently.
Alas, I feel stuck, yet again.
Do I set some goals for the New Year?
Typically, every New Year involved a long list of travels. I was able to use that to map out – no pun intended – what my year ahead would look like – based on this travel.
This year, there is not a single definite plan of a trip lined up.
WOW!
Pause.
Appreciate that for a moment, Izzy.
I design my year ahead on my own terms. Oof. Scary. Not based on a pre-set travel itinerary. The slate has been wiped clean. All that is definite is that a beautiful baby will be joining our world sometime in April. 2 under 2. That will be one hell of a trip!!!
With Adrian starting this month-long ‘dad challenge’ – fitness, nutrition, mindfulness, etc – I feel like I dropped the ball on setting any personal or professional goals for myself. Have I just been coasting? Have I grown a tad complacent? Am I okay with where I am at? Approaching my 33rd birthday in April. Continuing to raise a delightful little human.
I do occasionally wonder how much time I might feel I gain back if I wasn’t cleaning and/or tidying up so much?! I can’t deny that I really enjoy cleaning and tidying up. It really is fun and therapeutic for me even on the days I am completely wiped, but come on Izzy – do you really need to wipe down the countertops multiple times during the day?!?
Arguable…
I already feel a little stressed that my current morning writing session is ‘all over the place’ so far. The thoughts are scattered. It is chaos up there. Hence – calculated chaos of the mind. I trust I will piece it all together… With time…
Can I ease into the fact that I wanted all of this?! Whether consciously or subconsciously?! I didn’t want to be so structured all the damn time. I wanted to be more present with myself and with Bryson. I wanted impromptu beach trips. I wanted to wake up and NOT know exactly how my day would unfold. I wanted to ‘go with the flow’. I wanted to see how all of the time, effort, coaching, therapy, reading, general WORK ON MYSELF and my MIND would unfold and apply to this new chapter of my life. Home, husband, child, puppy, 2nd pregnancy. This all still feels so foreign and new and challenging sometimes. I am learning so much. Most of all, I am still learning how to be this new Izzy. An Izzy that leans into slower mornings, unpredictable afternoons, loss of control over a lot of things, etc…
I continue to be proud of myself in many ways.
I am just going to pause this here for now.
With no ‘perfect’ ending.
Just feels like an abrupt stop, but I am going to allow it.
Let’s see where I pick up next time…
Cheers to this very chaotic noise in my mind.. that I always find a way to make feel quite calculated.
With love,
Izzy
♥️
calculatedchaosofthemind 