I can still remember when…
As I put Bryson down to sleep tonight, I had a lot of memories flood through my mind. A moment of calm, a moment of still, a moment of pure joy looking down at his sweet, gentle, kind face…
Putting Bryson to sleep tonight helped me take a pause and just let my mind wander…
I couldn’t help but flash back to some earlier moments that took place this year…
We’re wrapping up 2024 in a matter of days… that is surreal! I am pretty sure I think this exact same thought every year though, haha…
I remember when putting Bryson down for sleep was a lot more challenging.
I remember when Bryson did not sleep ~12 hours straight through the night.
I remember feeling my brain was broken because I was so sleep-deprived, and I remember feeling that I should have prepared myself better to feel this way, but looking back – could I really have?!
I remember when I would hide my face full of tears from the first few weeks of painful breastfeeding. Adrian & I had a whole system in place to ensure Bryson felt supported and encouraged as he was new, too, to breastfeeding. Adrian essentially cheered Bryson on as I silently sobbed wondering when the pain might ever subside… I remember it did eventually subside in a matter of weeks, and I remember wondering why in the world would that nurse at the hospital utter ”it’s not supposed to hurt” . It hurt. It hurt a lot. I could handle the pain, and it was really just a waiting game for my body to adjust, and the rest of the year was an absolute breeze in a lot of ways. I never had to dabble with pumping, and I loved almost every moment of breastfeeding.
Looking back, I find it so fascinating that I was so focused and engrossed by the minute day to day troubles we faced in navigating this new and challenging world of parenting… Well, in my opinion – those initial few months didn’t quite count as ‘parenting’ for me ~ we just did our very best to keep Bryson alive. Success! Now, I feel we are really diving in and diving in deep into parenthood, and I AM LOVING EVERY MOMENT. I love the hardships. I love the highlights. I love the doubts. I love the rewards of spending time with an insanely cool little human that we created.
I remember when the days felt longer, and the nights felt even longer…
I remember wondering will this always feel so hard?
If I could go back in time and tell my former self about to give birth on November 23 something helpful, I would say…
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!
I was meant to learn what I needed to learn in the individual moments.
I was meant to face the many hardships and reap the benefits of all the many joys.
I was meant to experience everything that I did.
I was meant to wonder where is all this help and guidance that I was so counting on?! In hindsight, I shouldn’t have expected that. This was my journey. This was my one chance to be a complete NEWBIE to something SO incredibly challenging, and leave all of my ego and pride aside. Accept that I was tired. Accept that I felt helpless. Accept the confusion. Accept the frustrations. Accept that Bryson was learning everything for the first time, just as much as we were. Accept!
This is the journey. That was the journey.
I’ll be riding this EPIC RIDE for the rest of my life.
I will be a mom for the rest of my life.
That gives me chills!!!
I love motherhood!
I love parenthood with Adrian!
I love Adrian!
I love Bryson!
& I love # 2 on the way… whoever he or she will turn out to be…
Tank, we love you, too – don’t worry! Special acknowledgement to Tank on turning 5 months old yesterday. Woot woot! What a sweet pup!!!
Most importantly, I love ME!
After ‘all’ these years – so dramatic, I will only be turning 33 this upcoming April, I FINALLY understand what my mom kept repeating over and over again…
I needed to find a way to love myself.
Loving ME was # 1.
I now have all of this love for myself to share with my beautiful family.
I don’t expect a bad day to come anymore…
I am realistic, and I know I may face some ‘bad moments’ from time to time, but I would sure hope that all of my hard work and patience in working on myself would eventually ‘pay off’ and allow me to love myself fully – NO IF’S, AND’S, OR BUT’S – and allow myself to love those around me with an open heart.
I am in a good place, and I am finally realizing THIS IS MY NEW REALITY.
This is it!
This is my beautiful life that I created and I get to enjoy EVERY SINGLE DAY.
This is it!
WOWWWWWWW!
So, yes, I look back often and I remember more in the last few years than I have ever remembered in my whole life…
I don’t believe that’s a testament to ‘we remember more of what’s recent’ – in fact, I believe I am able to remember more and more clearly as a result of finally being in a wonderful position to accept myself, love myself, admire myself (without feeling egotistical), take pride in myself, and simply reap the benefits of being kinder to myself through all the ‘high high’s and low low’s (thank you again, Rachel).
I remember more because I am in the moment more.
I am not worrying about the past or stressing about the future.
I am in the now.
I am living my life for me.
It’s liberating!
I remember when every night felt tough…
Now, I repeat, Bryson sleeps through the night from ~ 7pm – 7am. WHAT!!!
I remember when I didn’t think this day would come, and we’ve had a good sleeper on our hands for awhile now… Wow!
Would I have believed someone if that had told me that eventually this would happen?! Ha, well plenty of people did. The answer is no. I had to experience my own journey my own way.
I have used I more often than usual in this post I find, but obviously this is a total WE thing…
Oh, and that reminds me…
I remember when I NEVER THOUGHT I WOULD ‘SETTLE DOWN’ WITH A MAN – LET ALONE GET MARRIED, LIVE IN A HOUSE, PAUSE ALL THE MOVING AROUND, ETC, ETC, ETC…
Oh Izzy…
I had soooo many preconceptions of what my life would look like. Insert Game of Thrones accent “you know nothing John Snow” – YOU KNOW NOTHING, IZZY! Haha!
So many limiting beliefs.
Ah well!
My WE is the best thing that could have ever happened to me.
I didn’t even know I could dream about a love this grand.
I remember when…
Adrian, Bryson, and I went up to Montreal to visit my mom in June.
Adrian and I put Bryson to sleep and left for some all-you-can-eat sushi dinner for an hour or so.
Somehow, it just didn’t seem like enough though…
I love sushi.
Adrian and I sat in the car in the parking lot of the restaurant before we drove home – I remember just looking at each other admiringly, but he’ll probably remember me chatting away as per usual…
The amount of times I have talked at him for ~ 20 minutes straight without pausing for a breath and then asked him “so what do you think?” and he’s responded with “um, okay”. Oh my! It’s now SO comical, but wow, I used to be a wreck when he was at an utter stand still for what to say… What did I expect from the guy?! I don’t even know what I just said!
ANYWAY!
I remember Adrian said the following to me…
He looked me right in the eyes…
Full of conviction, love, support, kindness, and clarity…
“Izzy, you’re going to change the world”…
“I know that because you told me you would, and you told me with such conviction, that I just knew it was true”.
Cue tears.
A man who just simply believes in me.
A man who believes in me often times more than I believe in myself.
A man who listens.
A man who hears me.
A man who is just simply THERE for me.
A man who doesn’t request much in return, but just loves with his whole heart because that’s just what he does. That’s just who he is.
A man who will cheer me on no matter what I desire to do with my life.
A man who sees me.
A man who accepts me.
A man who loves me.
Hmm… and didn’t I just share that I once thought life would be better on my own…
I repeat. Adrian looked straight into my eyes and announced those words as clear as day. Not a doubt in his mind.
Like he was just telling me what he wanted for breakfast in the morning…
So casual…
No big deal…
I believe in you and you’ll change the world one day, so anyway, should we make some pancakes in the morning?!…
Speechless.
Since I was a young girl, I dreamed of changing the world. I wasn’t sure how. I wasn’t even sure I understood the magnitude of that thought/dream. I just knew I was going to do it. I wanted to do it. I will do it.
Now, it seems likely that my ‘big impact’ will come in the shape of education. I love teaching. I love teaching reading and writing. I love all children, and I want to help, and I want to make the world a better place.
Thank you, Adrian, for believing in me.
Most importantly, I am so grateful that I now believe in me.
For right now, I know I can’t do it all. I want to do a lot of different things, but I am fully leaned into doing one thing at one time and doing that one thing really well.
No more hyper-productiveness.
No more multi-tasking.
Live in the present.
Live in the now.
Simple, yet powerful goals and accomplishments.
Continuing to love myself and those around me.
Treat others with kindness and respect.
Stay curious.
You got this, Izzy!
It’s okay to look back from time to time and reflect on how far you’ve come. It’s okay to look ahead from time to time and dream for more of what you aspire to have for yourself and your family. Most importantly, it’s okay to live in the present moment. The simple days. The simple moments. The lazy days. The complacent moments. The days where you wake up and have NOTHING planned and not a clue as to how you are going to spend it. The moments where you aren’t doing a whole lot of anything, but you feel good. Just good. Just good is okay. Just good is great. Just good is what we want in our life right now.
One thing at a time…
One day at a time…
Life only gets better and better with time, they say…
I finally believe it!
With love,
Izzy
calculatedchaosofthemind 