I recently came across a one of a kind podcast called “The Way Out is In” where hosts Jo Confino and Brother Phap Huu share just the most wonderful, gentle, and candid insights about mindfulness and the art of intentionally moving slower to get a better grasp on this beautiful life we live despite the chaos, uncertainties, fears, and pain we may face…
At least that is some of what I have taken away…
They co-wrote a book entitled Being With Busyness that I have yet to buy simply because I have a whole collection of books on my nightstand that I have yet to carve out time to read. I want to wait until I am really ready to dive into this book fully. Notice ~ I am definitely not saying “I don’t have the time” to read these books, but rather I have yet to make reading a priority again in my day to day life at this time. I could easily excuse myself by saying I fall asleep quite quickly when I read, we have a one year old toddler who keeps my hands full, we have a 4-month-old pup who naturally has a lot of energy, etc, etc, etc…
I told myself this holiday break – I am going to read more. That statement could easily be accomplished by reading 1-2 pages per day. I am not the biggest fan of committing to something I HAVE to do every day to feel accomplished, so let’s try this… Over the upcoming holiday break, I am going to read no less than 5 pages per week.
I was so rigid and structured and incredibly tough on myself as a result of all of this for so long that I am leaning into the unpredictable day to day nature of having a quick-moving toddler and energetic puppy to keep my days incredibly unpredictable and far from structured and routine. It took me a lot of time to fully lean into all of this, but WOW, the magical effects so far!
Going back to that podcast ~ one of several takeaways ~ I “should not” wait for that ‘perfect’ moment to pause fully, but rather take those moments when I can and apply the teachings accordingly to the best of my ability in the moment. For example, my only moment of calm in the whole day could be when I am washing the dishes. I could see that moment as an opportunity to focus on my mindfulness practice, and I could take some extra, intentional breaths and focus solely on the one job at hand. Ensure those dishes are clean. Only a few minutes could really do the trick. Another example ~ when I brush my teeth – focus on solely brushing my teeth. I have a habit of, and I am sure others do too, puttering around the house (love this word so much, Alex, queen of puttering), listening to a podcast, trying to send a quick text… essentially just multi-tasking in anyway I can as I am doing something as simple as brushing my teeth. The idea of focusing on the sole act of brushing my teeth for those few minutes would have a powerful ripple effect on my day and night. I am calming and grounding myself in that moment and in that process of focusing on the one task at hand and completing that task with clear intention. Pretty cool!
At this current moment, I am stuck. I am not sure what to write next. Often times throughout my days, I have a flash “I could write something pretty interesting with that thought” and alas time drifts by at warped speed and the idea and opportunity to pause and write passes. I don’t stress myself about that anymore. I love that phrase “the thought will come back if it’s necessary”. Something like that.
I have just let go of a lot of pressure I put on myself to say or write the perfect thing ~ to express myself exactly as I had intended. Let’s face it Izzy, a LOT can get lost in translation, and that is just the reality of life, and that is OKAY. I repeat – it happens, and that is okay! I definitely get in my head often and can easily spiral quick when I fixate too hard on how little control I can have sometimes. I have some pretty good intentions, and when I feel misunderstood, I can easily get frustrated. The lesson for me, well there are several, but is to not get STUCK in those frustrations. Let go! Move on! Deep breath! My intentions are very good. That is what I can focus on. That is what I can control. I also love the line “their reaction in on them” ~ I don’t have control over how someone interprets or misinterprets what I am doing or saying. That is okay.
It is all okay.
I am okay.
We are all okay.
Ha! I can’t help but think about that classic “What About Bob” movie line when Siggy says, so matter of factly, “we are all going to die”. Yes, it is true. I have his voice in my head as I hear myself think/write “we are all okay”. That’s it. Simple.
There are always those inevitable moments of complete panic. AM I DOING ENOUGH?! AM I ENOUGH?! AM I OKAY?! ARE WE OKAY?!
Will Bryson continue to thrive as a little human being? Or have I forgotten something? What am I missing?
It always passes – thank you, Adrian, but those moments still come … less and less.
Trust life, eh mom?
YES!
TRUST LIFE!
TRUST MYSELF!
TRUST THE PROCESS!
TRUST ADRIAN!
TRUST BRYSON!
Goosfraba ~ thank you, Anger Management (had to check the spelling on that line used to calm Adam Sandler down in this classic movie)!
Focusing on the lack of – scarcity mindset as they say – rather than OH MY GOSH! Izzy! Are you seeing what I am seeing?! SMILES! Are you hearing what I am hearing?! LAUGHTER! Are you witnessing how incredibly happy, spirited, fearless, charismatic, and fun this little man is already?! He just turned one!
Mindset. Perspective. He has everything and more going for him. Why lose a single moment of your day worrying about anything else?! Why worry at all?! Trust. He is good. He is great. He is okay.
Focus on what I have. What we have.
Gratitude.
Love. For myself. And for others around me.
Kindness. For myself. And for others around me.
Patience. For myself. And for others around me.
I didn’t take test and pass in order to qualify to become a mother. I didn’t read the manual. I didn’t attend all of the classes, if any. I didn’t do all the research. I didn’t shadow the experts. Yet, somehow, I am a mother. Cue tears. I am a proud mother. I am a good mother. Dare I say even a great mother. I take such pride and joy in raising this little human. I am not as hard on myself as much anymore, but I take this role incredibly seriously. I believe I have to. I would have loved to have passed a test. I would have LOVED that validation ~ oh yes, Izzy, you are READY!!! But, that is not how it works, nor should it be. TRUST MYSELF. We all just figure it out on the go, and that is the beauty of it all! Parenthood. There is absolutely NO comparison to this role. I love all of the titles I carry for several reasons, but it is such a beautiful rush to know I am literally just winging this thing called motherhood and I am doing a pretty decent job so far. AND I DIDN’T EVEN PASS THE TEST! I DIDN’T EVEN TAKE THE CLASS! I DIDN’T FINISH READING THE WHAT TO EXPECT BOOK! I SKIPPED PAGES. I SKIPPED CHAPTERS. ADRIAN AND I NEVER SHOWED UP TO THE BABY CLASSES. I NEVER FINISHED WATCHING ALL OF THE RECOMMENDED VIDEOS. I SKIPPED EPISODES OF THE PODCAST. I DON’T SEE ANYTHING ON SOCIAL MEDIA. I am quite literally going against everything Izzy used to stand for ~ this perfectionist princess has gone rogue. I didn’t follow the rules. I didn’t complete my homework. I didn’t do what I was “supposed to do”.
YESSSSSSSSS!
FINALLY!
Flashback ~ my 5th grade teachers sat me down one day. I still remember feeling SO excited because I could naturally only assume they were sharing more positive praise about my good grades and performance in the classroom.
NOPE!
I was essentially being told off. They were worried about how hard I was on myself especially at such a young age. They quite literally told me to take it easy and not stress so much about my schoolwork. To have more fun in school.
WHAT?!?
I am going to pause here for right now…
I am fading a bit…
I’ll stretch my body a bit before the little man wakes up…
How fascinating that he has an internal alarm clock that goes off just after 7am… I find that so incredible that he wakes up at just about the same time every single morning all on his own.
Always in a GOOD MOOD.
Good for you, Bryson!
I am learning so much from you.
I have so much to keep learning.
I love it.
I love you.
That was a fun morning writing session!
The real question is… should I go read a bit now?!
Technically my holiday break hasn’t started yet, but I could get a head start on those 5 pages…
=)
With love,
Izzy
calculatedchaosofthemind 