calculatedchaosofthemind

This morning, I have been pondering this thought – why can’t I be the one to do X?

Why can’t I?

Why can’t I write a book?

Well that really is how far I’ve gotten with that in terms of questioning what I can and can’t do… If you think about it, it all really comes down to having a growth-oriented mindset per the book Mindset I mentioned in the last post. I believe I am SO capable most days. Of course, there are days where I have doubts – oh so many doubts – but I know that is perfectly okay and acceptable. I like that I doubt myself sometimes. I like pushing past my fears and proving myself wrong. I believe I will ‘change the world’. Funny enough – this grand idea of denting the universe and making massive changes specifically in the realm of education has been with me since I was a little girl. I look back, and despite not remembering a whole lot of anything from my childhood, I do recall being more reserved and timid. I would NEVER have imagined who I’d grow into today – energetic, enthusiastic, and chatty – mind you, I am also 5’11” – it’s hysterical how most days I don’t even process how tall I am. Just the other night, I am b****ing to Adrian about my aches and pains from cleaning up the kitchen because I face disadvantages at my height of needing to bend over so much. It’s not fair!!! Oh my, Izzy, do you even hear yourself?!

Years of disliking my height as a young teen because it forced me to stand out, and then absolutely loving and owning my height because it allowed me to stand out, and again back to just utter mixed feelings even though there is quite literally nothing I can do about it! CONTROL! Always struggling a bit with what I can and cannot control. Learning slowly but surely to just simply … let go! Let go of what I can’t control! & maybe let go a little bit of what I can control, too. I am trying! Sometimes I wonder if telling myself ‘I am working on it’ is good enough. Again, intense pressure I put on myself at times – setting the bar high – pros and cons here. I love that I do feel like I try to better myself as much as I can most days, but I do wonder … going back to that mindset thing if you’re keeping up … how much further I could gently “push” myself. I believe everyone on this planet is unstoppable. I believe everyone on this planet could make massive changes for the better – for themselves and others – but I also recognize that a lot of us have no damn clue as to how to push ourselves in a kind, uplifting, positive way.

I digress…

So, why can’t I?

I was searching for Jen Sincero’s name on Apple Podcasts today because I love her books soooo much and I was curious if she had podcasts, too. She doesn’t, but she has been featured on many podcasts, and a lot of her Badass Habits book is discussed by these various hosts. I was thinking – hmm if Jen Sincero can write some badass books – no pun intended – why can’t I? Why have I already told myself – no, Izzy, you’re a teacher – a passionate, talented, and enthusiastic teacher, but a teacher nonetheless. You know how to teach kids to read good. Ah! That always makes me laugh! = ) You know how to teach kids how to read and write, but does that necessarily mean you know how to write?! Let alone why would anyone care to read what you have to write about?! Hmm… a flawed way of thinking eh! THE JAMES PATTERSON even wrote that he wasn’t sure if anyone would ever read HIS books – cough cough – HE IS JAMES PATTERSON – all we know him as is THE world-renowned author of 1 trillion amazing books! How could HE have ever had that thought? How could he have ever doubted himself?

Quick separate thought – I never went into education with the aspiration to make ‘good’ money (I believe the value of money is all relative, and I would love to write about my thoughts about money and finances and all that sometime in the near future…). I was introduced to my first job of working as a clinician at a learning center in Manhattan through my step mom, Josie, as she was bringing our brother, Ian, there for some help with his reading. Apparently Josie could just see me happily working there, and she was spot on! Thank you, Josie! I believe I was always told I owe my career to Ian because he attended Lindamood-Bell, BUT it does look like Josie is the one to thank here after all! = ) I LOVED working with these students in a one to one setting – supporting them with their various learning needs – such diversity with each student due to their learning profile, personality, and learning style. I still remember trying so hard to teach one math student how to count up and down the number line and she was VERY resistant and angry and frustrated and just troubled in some ways, but once the idea of singing a song as we counted popped into my head – BAM! GAME CHANGER! She was counting!!!!! It was absolutely incredible and that distinct memory will be burned into my mind forever. Thank you, student! What a gift to witness such joy and a sense of massive accomplishment on her face! SHE WAS PROUD OF HERSELF – not just me. INSANELY COOL MOMENT!!!

Anyway…

I do love teaching. I do love feeling like I have found my ‘speciality’ and ‘expertise’ in one clear domain. I can’t deny it – I LOVE feeling like I am ‘ridiculously’ good at one thing (always think of Zoolander when I use that word – “ridiculously good looking”)! By the way, I struggled so hard to spell that word.

Why can’t I?

Why can’t I write a book?

Bryson just turned 9 months old, and Adrian and I already spend a lot of time thinking ahead to how we’ll raise him and the rest of the future kiddos to come. He is just a little (big!!!) baby right now, but I have myself catching myself right now and kicking myself – Izzy, would you want Bryson to just simply write off a desire or wish or idea he has?!?! Would you want Bryson to think he is only good and maybe ridiculously good at just one thing?! HELL NO! I want Bryson to believe that he is capable of absolutely anything!!! If he wants to ‘grow up’ and become a janitor. Go for it Bryson! You do whatever the hell you want to do, and what you want to do can change over and over again. But, what I do really care about more than anything is that if and when Bryson grows up to become a janitor – he takes great pride in his work and he does the very best he can every single day. Like I’ve said before, and this is thanks to Adrian, his best may not always be the same from day to day, but that is okay. He shows up and he tries his best. He takes pride in what he loves to do. And if he doesn’t even love doing what he does – that, too, is okay! That felt soooo empowering – starting a sentence off with AND – breaking the rules!!!! This is my blog and I can do whatever I want!!!! OMG – massive grin on my face! A face sitting alone in a massive coffee shop at the moment… Ed Sheeran playing… I am buzzing! & I do not think the little espresso shot is the only cause of this awesome energy I have!!!

So, Izzy, you can write a book.

You can do anything you want to do.

But, I would ask that you keep what you preach in mind as you embark on this potential – scratch that – just new journey of yours…

When you go to write your book – you write that book to the best of your ability. And (!!!) you take pride in how you write that book. You write for you. You show up and you give your best effort and expect nothing in return.

Carol Dweck, author of Mindset also writes about “praising effort, not grades” – I ALWAYS thought about that notion in terms of teaching and even parenthood up until this very moment… WOAH! Praise my effort, Izzy, and do not focus on the validation!!! Do not focus on the monetary value that could potentially come from writing a book. Do not focus on the external stuff, but rather focus on letting Izzy express herself… the little girl who was so reserved and timid is ready to share her voice in a BIG WAY!

Adrian always says “it was good” “it’s good” “good” … and it literally kills me every time. JUST GOOD?!?! That’s all you have to say?!

I am learning BIG time how to accept everyone how they are and reallyyyyyy accept – not just say I will accept. I love Adrian with all of my heart and there are ZERO doubts there, but I can safely admit that I am still learning how to fully accept him as he is. He is the kind of guy who thinks a decadent, rich, maybe perfect chocolate cake that is better than anything he has ever tried in his whole entire life is “good”. GOOD.

You know what – GOOD!

I tire myself out some – MOST days – overthinking and over-obsessing about a lot of things let’s be honest but specifically how I express myself – I don’t accept ‘good’ for myself as part of my daily vernacular but maybe Adrian has been on to something this whole time!!!

LIFE IS GOOD!

Dare I say life is VERY good … hmm, I think that might defeat the point of what I am trying to piece together here…

Simplicity is GOOD.

GOOD is good.

Circling back… let my book be GOOD.

I want it to be GOOD. I will strive for GOOD.

But, hey, if the book ends up being RIDICULOUSLY GOOD – that’d be pretty awesome, too! = )

Trust life, eh mom?!

What a rush!!!

Talk about feeling alive!

I would love to bottle up this feeling right now, and yet again, share and gift this feeling to every single person (a reference to my 1st blog post).

I have my WHY.

I am clear.

I am in love.

I love.

I am loved.

Everyone just wants to be seen and heard…

Have you heard that before?

= )

I keep making myself laugh. So fun!

But seriously, ‘everyone just wants to be seen and heard’ is something I have learned in business seminars and self-care books, too. It is a GOOD thing to keep in mind.

Taking that extra moment to look up – look up from the phones – look up and engage in some good old fashioned eye contact with another human being – perhaps even a complete stranger – look up and smile – look up and say hello or thank you or happy Sunday or have a great day or have a good day.

I remember this notion of acts of kindness creating a ripple effect…

I open the door for someone today and who knows maybe that someone will open the door for the next person and here we go just spreading some gentle acts of kindness from one person to the next…

What about we adjust that concept to curiosity and questions – I intentionally ask 3 people a question – nothing crazy – but not too general or too specific – for example, how are you? NAH. Let’s go with open ended…

What has been the best part of your day so far?

Flashback to family dinners!!!!!!

I LOVEEEEE recapping the days!

In fact, Adrian and I had to agree to ‘complete’ our daily recaps at dinner because when I saved this ‘quality time activity’ for bedtime, I’d keep us up for another 2+ hours… =)

Anyway!

I put myself in a position where I can ask someone ‘what’s been the best part of your day so far?’ …

They could choose not to answer, but I am going to bet that that particular someone is just hoping someone will see them and hear them. I can always tell when someone has been waiting for that moment… that invitation to open up and share… to be seen and heard…

GOOD.

You are seen. You are heard.

♥️

I wonder what kind of ripple effect that could start…

I am going to start to wind down here and wrap this novel in itself up…

I have a lot of thoughts. Clearly. I think about this concept of validation a lot lately. Specifically when it comes to parenthood, but I will have to save that thought or two for next time…

Well, Jen Sincero, thank you.

You are one badass of an author, and as a result of you believing YOU can do it. I believe I CAN DO IT.

Why can’t I?

Why can’t I write a book?

I CAN!

I WILL!

**** Oh myyyyyy timing is everything!!!! I just saw a text come through on my macbook – I am going to bet it is Adrian checking in or maybe sharing that he is leaving the park soon with Bryson…. let’s see… as I share here that I am ready to pause…

JUST CHECKED!

BINGO!

This is my time to pause.

I don’t need to think of some elaborate, cool, fun, intricate ending for this blog post this morning… I can just end it. Land the plane as Adrian would say.

My fingers haven’t stopped moving since the moment I started…

I think this post was a good one.

What do you think?

Okay, goodbye.

With love,

Izzy