calculatedchaosofthemind

Again, I have been waiting for that ‘perfect’ opportunity to continue writing…

Something I have taken a long pause from for a myriad of reasons, but I enjoy so much, and I always benefit from in more ways than one.

I am struggling with the unpredictable, uncontrollable nature of ‘raising’ a soon to be 9-month-old. I always want to do so much, but I also want to respect that we are in no rush or race. One moment we’re trying to follow somewhat of a nap schedule, and the next – Bryson decides to rally and I am putting unnecessary pressure on said nap schedule when he’s clearly telling me he’s good and he’s not ready to nap just yet!

He is his own person after all. I want to respect that as best I can.

Can we call it ‘raising’ yet? Or are Adrian and I still in that stretch of early parenthood where our sole focus is to just keep this incredibly cute kiddo alive? As he tries to eat everything in sight! I believe Adrian and I have already started instilling some of our values into Bryson as we play with him, explore with him, scoot around with him, eat with him, shop with him, workout with him, etc…

This is one of the most fascinating parts about parenthood – how much of all of this is nature vs nurture? At the end of the day, we believe in doing our best. Our best in that given moment. Our best for the day. Our best won’t always look the same, but we show up and we do our best no matter what. Thank you, Adrian, for your massive help in understanding this concept better…

So, we do our best in ‘raising’ Bryson knowing very well that he will be whoever he wants to be as he grows older – he may not be as calm-natured as his father or as …. drawing a blank as to how I would describe myself …

That is hysterical!

I always have SO much to say lately – ask Adrian! I cannot stop talking. My mind is always racing in several different directions! Hence – calculated chaos of the mind. Yet I cannot think of a brief way to capture myself as I described Adrian as ‘calm-natured’…

Hmm… how would I describe myself let alone my current/future parenting style…?

I am curious. However, I often times don’t allow myself the time to explore all of my curiosities to the fullest which is partially just a default of the way our life is right now. I would like to read more and learn more, but I know expecting that of myself right now is unrealistic. That doesn’t mean I can’t get back into that in the near future.

It’s pretty cool that Adrian and I both love our respective jobs, and our work schedules complement each other so well that we can truly soak up all of the quality time as a family.

I remember reading some of the pregnancy book, Expecting Better, and loving this concept of ‘weighing the pros and cons’ as parents figure out what the hell they are doing with this brand new delicate human being that they’re somehow allowed to just take home from the hospital without any supervision. WE ARE ALL JUST WINGING IT is what I have grown to realize and accept and embrace! I look around and realize NO ONE TRULY KNOWS WHAT THEY ARE DOING, but we are all just trying our BEST! I looked up to my friends with children so much before having a kid of my own. I remember thinking they were in a ‘league of their own’ – taking on that massive responsibility of having children – forever. They must be SO ready and perfectly equipped to lead the next generation. To instill ‘good values’ in the next generation, so that our world can slowly but surely become a better place. They must know exactly what they are doing. They must have read all of the manuals and have zero doubts because taking on this responsibility is the most serious commitment one person can ever take on.

I have always been quite the rule follower, so I just assumed taking on parenthood was a similar thing… we follow the rules and do our due diligence to parent as best we can with what we know and what we have.

Wow!

This really makes me laugh!

I am thinking back to my own parents often and their individual parenting styles. I am thinking back to the pedestal I put my parents on, and as much as I love, respect, and appreciate my parents, I am finally ready to TRUST ME! I am finally ready to let go of some of this intense pressure I have put on myself since the moment I found out I was pregnant and just BE! I do not need to prove anything to anyone, including myself! I am doing my best. I am learning as I go. We are all learning as we go. We are all just doing our best.

I let a friend’s comment ‘getting pregnant could take up to a year’ guide me and us when it came to starting our family. Hilarious! Adrian and I got pregnant immediately. More to come on all of that one day…

That being said, I feel I may still be holding on to this notion of ‘was I really ready’ when we decided to start trying, and as a result of having some of those initial doubts about my adeptness to take on this massive responsibility forever – I am still trying to prove to MYSELF and everyone around me that I’VE GOT THIS!

I do got this. I know I’ve got this. I just need to finally ACCEPT that I’ve got this, and let myself ENJOY all of the moments! I am still trying to control the unpredictable, uncontrollable nature of a BABY! What a life lesson this is!!!

This is it!

I believe we are all doing our best.

I believe we need to all believe that we are all doing our best.

In the past, I struggled with passing judgements on others quite easily without fully seeking to understand what may have caused someone to think or act in that way. For example, and this is minor compared to some of the other judgments I have passed, but I wouldn’t be able to wrap my head around why the simple act of pushing a shopping cart back to the assigned areas could be so hard. Minor! NOT A BIG DEAL for someone to potentially forget or just not choose to return the shopping cart, but because I believe it’s the ‘right thing to do’ – everyone in this world should be doing it?! I am checking myself here. We really never know what is going on in another’s life, and I’d rather continue to move through my life with less judgment, and more compassion.

Calculated chaos of the mind.

Where was I?

This was SO overdue – to write. I am not going to beat myself up, but just keep flowing, and see what pops up…

Candle burning…

I feel myself racing to type all of this, but what is the rush?!

I find Bryson sleeps very well after some time at the beach. He slept from 7pm-5am! WOAH! Nicely done little man! What a difference now that he sleeps through the night so much more with 1 nursing session around 3 am usually. Teething is no joke! I am so thrilled Bryson can just show off his 6 teeth now rather than suffer through the pain as they were coming through!

Enthusiastic! I would describe myself in many ways, but I believe I have been quite energetic and enthusiastic lately – even moving a bit too quickly for my liking most days.

Heavy eyes now. A good pausing point.

With love,

Izzy